The Wife of an Addict

Okie Dokie...

It took longer than I thought, but I'm officially over at Blogger now!

http://poured.blogspot.com/

Update your bookmarks and links! This site will only be up for a few more days.

My e-mail address will stay the same:

thewifeofanaddict@yahoo.com

See you at the new site!

Pure Online

The phrase "pure online" almost seems like an oxymoron to me. I have to admit that when sex-addicts, recovering or not, find my site, I often think, "What are you doing online?!". I am very grateful my husband has chosen to "flee youthful lusts" (flee before the fight wherever possible), and does not have a career that requires him to be near a computer.

That being said, there are so many wonderful resources, and communities of believers, online, and it would be wonderful if the internet was a safer place. I would be very supportive if Hubby decided to install a good filter/accountability software, so he could feel more comfortable taking advantage of these things, but that's his decision to make.

The ministry site, Pure Online, is one that I visited awhile back, but recently returned to at the prompting of a reader. She thought I would find their ministry inspiring, and I did. Pure Online is not at all the only sex addiction ministry on the internet, but it does offer some solid resources that I thought I'd point out to any of you who are looking for structured help in your recovery processes.

My reader directed me to their wives page which contains a video message from the beautiful Renee Crosse, wife of Clay Crosse, that really puts the reader at ease. Below Renee's message are the wives' FAQs, and I am in full support of the way Pure Online chooses to answer them. For example:

Am I to blame?

If you are like most women in your shoes, your husband was probably struggling with sexual sin long before he met you. It most likely began in childhood or adolescence, growing day-by-day and over the years, securing an unyielding grip on his life.

And my personal favorite because it is so applicable to our testimony:

Can I force my husband get help?

Very often, the one thing that gets a man into recovery is the urging (and sometimes the ultimatum) of his wife. While it is best for the man to decide on his own to get help, sometimes it just doesn’t happen this way. We (Pure Online) believe that God can use all kinds of circumstances to bring a man into right relationship with Himself - including (especially) the influence of his wife.

I did a little surfing of their entire site today, and I want to also draw attention to their single addicts' ministry. I am fully aware that not everyone who struggles is married, and not every married addict will have the fortune of remaining married. Ministry to the single sex addict is vital, and somewhat lacking. Pure Online seems to handle it beautifully, and if you are single, I would highly recommend taking advantage of the professional resources they provide.

In addition to their wives' ministry page, and their single men's workshop, they also offer online workshops for married men and single women. Their contributors are well known in the world of sex-addiction ministry, and include such names as:

Craig Gross (Pastor, Author, founder, XXXChurch.com)
Mike Holmes (licensed counselor and family life pastor)
Liz Casteel (licensed counselor and president, Nikao Counseling Center)
Clay Crosse (Christian recording artist and speaker)
Brandon Cotter (Founder/CEO Pure Online)
Jake Larson (speaker, teaching pastor)
Jason Harper (speaker, director of outreach, Capital Christian Center)
Kenny Luck (President Every Man Ministries, Minister to Men, Saddleback Church)

This is not a paid endorsement, but I came away from their site with such a good impression, that I felt I should pass it on. I hope that you will benefit, and will stay pure online.

An Update and Some Ramblings

First, about the move, it's not happening until NEXT weekend. Hubby was able to secure a less expensive apartment where we can stay until we find something more permanent; but, it's not available quite yet. The fact that we have a place at all is great news, but the tiny apartment comes with a lot of downsides. Neither Hubby or I feel that this is the place God has for us, but it is the only real/affordable option right now. Please pray that God will continue to lead us.

Second, this blog passed 10,000 page views earlier this week, proving that someone out there is still caring enough to read. Thank you!

Lastly, when you tell someone to meditate on a particular passage of scripture, make sure you give the right reference! Hubby thought I should dwell on Matthew 11:28-30, but mistakenly recommended Matthew 12:28-30. Big mistake!;)

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Hey! At Least I Got Out of the Boat!

For a few minutes before bed last night, Hubby read to me out of the book of Matthew. When he got to the part about Jesus (and then Peter) walking on the water, we paused, and had a pretty interesting discussion.

The first thing that stood out to me was chapter fourteen, verses thirteen and fourteen. I'm adopting these as "the Mommy passage".

"When Jesus heard what had happened [the murder of John the Baptist], he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick."

It comforts me to know that my Savior also wished to withdraw from the world when faced with extreme sadness. Just as comforting might be the fact that this solitude was not always possible, not even for my Lord.

But, I digress, the passage we spent time discussing are verses twenty-seven through thirty-one.

"But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

From Hubby's perspective, we should never need to cry out, "Lord, save me!" Not that we never should, but he feels that doing so implies a level of doubt. If we are truly trusting God, we should rest easy in the knowledge that he has everything under control, and we are not responsible for reminding him to do anything. Of course, Hubby agrees that prayer is essential to the Christian walk, but maybe the panicked out-cry is not. I don't know. I came away from the passage with something much more self-centered.

Jesus rebuked the only one who had enough faith to get out of the boat! No, "Atta-boy Peter! Good effort!"

Amidst the revelation of the storm that was my husband's addiction, I so clearly heard the voice of my Lord, calling to me, and commanding me to take courage. I obeyed. With tremendous peace, I stepped out of the boat and began to walk in faith, trusting God to work a miracle. Now, and many times since that initial moment of obedience, I have begun to sink. I cry out to God, and he is faithful. But then comes the rebuke.

Doesn't God know how hard this journey is? Doesn't he know how much he is asking from me. Aren't I doing the best that I can? I mean, hey, at least I got out of the boat! Doesn't that count for anything?

My Husband

Last night Hubby urged me to spend some time in the Word, knowing that I have been having an especially difficult time, and am probably neglecting the things that would help most. I cringed. Not just because I wanted to be a whiny baby, and didn't want to let my Father comfort me (although that is true), but because Hubby was trying to guide my spiritual walk. When we were first married, and up to the point I found out about his addiction, I would have given one of my toes for him to be a spiritual leader (I would never give my right arm, I'm too practical and too vain for that!). But now, well how do you trust someone to lead you when they've been so incredibly untrustworthy? I know that submitting to a husband (as unto the Lord) has absolutely nothing to do with trusting the man, but is an expression of love for God; but, I'm not feeling that way at the moment.

"OK, I'm going to read for awhile before bed." he said when trying to let me go last night. "Will you please spend some time in the Word too?"

"Fine."

"Promise?"

"No."

"Please."

"Why don't you read to me?" I said, really turning up the test. I have asked him to read the Word to me for the past four years, and he has NEVER agreed. He doesn't think he reads well out-loud.

"OK." he said. And he immediately began to read.

So, it appears as if I now have a husband, the kind of man I always wanted. This brings shooting to the surface, like a beach ball trapped at the bottom of a pool, all of my insecurities about the health and future of this marriage. Maybe I've been leaving myself an out without even knowing it. Just how many feelings can you hide at a sub-conscious level, I wonder?

A Strange Request

***UPDATED***

Lord willing, we'll be moving this weekend. We found an extremely overpriced cabin where we can live for the next two months while we continue to look for something more permanent. I'm feeling weak and faithless right now. Even as I write those words I feel sick and disappointed in myself. The Lord is doing amazing things in Hubby's life. He loves his job, has bonded with some very strong Christian men, and was singled out by a guest pastor yesterday morning who prophesied over him. I think this time away from us has been good for him. For us, not so much. I feel like I'm treading water, and am now very near drowning. I miss him, I think, but I haven't even had much time to decide. I finally reached out for help and called my mom. She's here now, and will stay to help with the kids until I finish packing.

Here is my honest prayer for the day:

"Lord, my heart still longs for you. I love you with my soul, but my mind is full of doubt over your love for me. You have been so good to us, and I trust that you will continue to be. I believe that you are good. Please forgive my unbelief. Right now, I AM SO MAD AT YOU!"

What Defines 'Beautiful'?

Men from different cultures define beauty in a variety of outward ways. Man-made deformities such as binded feet, stretched necks, body piercing, and breast implants are all beauty enhancers in one or more parts of the world.

How little girls define beauty will be predominantly influenced by their fathers, but I believe that a strong mother can also guide in this process. Women, once they have attained emotional independence, define beauty (in others) by looking at the whole person. And, to a large extent, internal beauty can be seen at first glace, despite what men may think.

That last line may seem to imply that I don't have much respect for male intelligence. This couldn't be further from the truth; but I do think they are a little slower where emotional depth is involved. Because men are more visual than women, they tend to overlook, at least at first, what lies beneath.

I want to note that modern women have become so determined to be like men, that they are actually contorting their souls toward very unnatural visual lusts. Do not do this! When a woman sets aside even a small percentage of her femininity, she sacrifices so much of her womanly soul. In the words of Anne, "Oh Marilla, how much you miss!"

Dictionary.com defines beautiful as, "having the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest)."

I grew up with the curse and blessing that is outward physical beauty. It would be a lie not to admit how much I enjoyed this. I have fond memories of being sought after, fought over, and praised. However, even for those who are much more attractive than I ever was, physical beauty will eventually fade.

I have been dieting this week, and I find that I check the mirror much more often when I am dieting. When I eat a hardboiled egg for breakfast, instead of the pancakes I made for this kids, I usually run into the bathroom to examine my stomach. "Is it smaller yet?! No?! Damn!" Last night I stood in front of the mirror examining my flaws (Men, you haven't a clue just how often we do this.). Working from top to bottom, the first spot I critique is my eyes. I sit on the counter to get as close to the mirror as I can; then, I search for new wrinkles (which I almost always find). Next, I spend a few seconds patting my ever drooping jaw line with the backside of my left hand. On to my breasts and stomach, which make me sigh and stare in horror. I usually end up doing a manual tummy tuck by pinching the skin around my middle. I look at the result and think, "Yeah, now where are those scissors!?". Little stretch marks travel all the way to my thighs. I follow them down, very near tears at this point, and then abruptly say something like, "Grrrr....Get over it! What's done is done! Stop moping and grow up!"

Last night my reaction was a little different. My flaws don't seem to be going away. In fact, they are only growing more obvious, along with my disdain for them. So, instead of once again crying in my cheap wine, I tried to see the beauty behind my imperfections.

The skin around my eyes is beginning to wrinkle because I have spent so much of my life laughing. Would I rather be wrinkle free and sullen? No. My drooping jaw line is thanks to hours and hours of nursing babies, all the while tenderly gazing down at them. Now I imagine God the Father to have quite a droop too! My breasts, yeah, I've nursed twins twice! To quote Deborah Barone of Everybody Loves Raymond, "These were working breasts!" My stomach, well, that will always be a difficult roadblock for me. But, it housed four babies in two years. It's a pretty amazing belly!

I may never fully see these things as beautiful in myself, but I think my husband should. I have a beautiful soul, and a beautiful heart. I want to be seen as outwardly beautiful, but because of the inward qualities I possess, not apart from them. These things I can improve upon daily. It is only with this outlook that I can look forward to old age, and growing more beautiful everyday.

But Still, He is Good

I may not be in the best frame of mind today, but God is still on the throne. And now, I know that my readers pray!

Yesterday I wrote, "We know, from what others in the area are being payed, that it's not going to be much at first (please pray that his boss will have some mercy in this area)."

I've just received some great news from Hubby! His boss decided to start him out at what he was making here! This is $4-6 an hour more than we were expecting. We always have to budget, but we were anticipating a rice, beans, and food stamps diet. It seems we underestimated God again! We are so relieved, and so thankful.

Still no success on the housing front. Can I ask for more prayer?;)

Today I Feel...

Resentful.

Today I feel resentful because Hubby is in the mountains, visiting friends, working outside, and sleeping soundly in the knowledge that he is in a safe place with people who are going to help him grow. These are all things I want for him, they're just things I want for me too!

Also, we're moving to the mountains because he's allowed this stupid addiction to kick his a@#! We're not moving for me, not for my benefit. Maybe I'd want to move there for me, but I haven't even had the time to think about that. We're moving because Hubby wants to be faithful to me, but can't if removed from accountability, and faced with the slightest temptation. What?!

Even as I type this, even through all of this anger, I can see the hypocrisy in my misunderstanding. I want to stop yelling at my kids, but still I fail. I want to stop eating sugar...FAIL.

I've decided that I'm struggling this week because I'm reliving our separation. I was pregnant then, and tried so hard to keep myself calm. In truth, I had never been so scared in my whole life. I was about to give birth alone, and have four babies to take care of by myself. I didn't think he was coming back. I didn't think I could ever let him come back. I slept in the middle of the bed.

An Update: A BIG Praise and More Needs

I just wanted to let everyone know that Hubby got the job! He started working right away, and didn't even interview. We know, from what others in the area are being payed, that it's not going to be much at first (please pray that his boss will have some mercy in this area). But, there will be less than one week's break between paychecks, which is a major praise!

Hubby went to look at a cabin, in a neighboring town, last night. I haven't heard back yet about its size. The town is NOT where we want to be, but the price is right, and we're getting pretty desperate. Please pray that we won't make an unwise decision because we are anxious to be back together.

Also, even if the cabin works, he will probably have to work a few more weeks before he earns enough to move us. Pray for patience. Pray for peace and rest. Pray.

P.S. Some of you are kind enough to let me know how I can be praying for your needs as well. I am always honored by this! I love being included in your needs and your praises.

Life Without Hubby

I haven't done this in awhile, but I'd like to address the addicts. Not so much the successfully recovering addicts, but the struggling, maybe not yet in recovery, ones.

As most of you know by now, Hubby has left for the mountains. I've just spent the second full day without him. We haven't been apart much since recommitting to our marriage last year, and I miss him terribly.

We have four children, all under two and a half; everyday life in its simplest form is difficult. I need a husband, and not just anyone will do. I need a man who will come in the door smiling, after a hard day of work, and immediately ask me how my day has been. I need a man who will be sympathetic when I break down sobbing, and admit to having lost it with the kids. I need a man who will hold me until I let go. I need a man who will tell me I'm beautiful everyday, and mean it every minute. I need a man who will lead me downstairs to make love to me, for my sake. I need a man who would rather eat PB & J than have me stay up late to pack him a homemade lunch. And I need to be able to ask for these things when I'm not getting them.

Some of you think you've blown it too badly, and that there isn't any point in changing now. Satan speaks to you constantly. "She'll never forgive you. You can never make up for what you have done. You'll never be the man she deserves, so why even try?" These are terrible and destructive lies! All women want to be cherished, to be chosen above every earthly thing. Yes, you have failed to do that. Let's face it, you've failed miserably. But you still have an amazing opportunity for redemption.

A few months ago I sat weeping on the couch, completely overwhelmed with babies, and everything they involve. I was nursing one, holding another, and my toddlers were fighting at my feet. I remember so clearly letting a long, agonizing scream escape inside my head. I began to literally pray that Hubby would instantly walk through the door. I needed help. I needed him. It was close to an hour before he returned. He was covered in cement powder and sweat, and was completely exhausted, but just one look and he could see that I was worse. He looked at me and smiled that sweet knowing smile of his, and I ran to him like a child to her father, collapsing in his warm, sunburned arms. "Thank you." I said. "Thank you for choosing us over your addiction."

Embarrassed, he humbly muttered "You're welcome". He was taken back by my gratitude, but I meant it deeply. I have watched him struggle through piles of shame and guilt and pain. He's failed some, and succeeded more, but it hasn't been easy. He didn't have to make this journey; he had a choice.

Our journey of healing has been incredible, incredibly difficult, incredibly painful, and incredibly worth-it. If you haven't yet decided what to choose, may I suggest the following: choose life, choose your marriage (your current one if you are married, and the one God will bring if you're single).

Choose her, and do so with all of your heart.

Six Degrees

Today, by some act of God, I was finally able to get my m-i-l to open up about Hubby's real dad. Every three of four months Hubby expresses the desire to find him. We have tried a few times, but with absolutely zero success. I'm posting the info I now have, in hopes that, by the magic of the online community, some of you might be able to assist in our search.

• His first name is Michael, and his last name is either Brakeen, Brackeen, Bracken, Brekeen, Breckeen, Brecken, Breken, or Brekein (or some other letter combination that I may have forgotten).
• He is approximately 52 years old.
• In early 1980 he was working as a cross-country ski instructor, and a bar tender at the Sheraton, in a Colorado ski resort.
• His family is from CO, possibly Colorado Springs.
• He is over six feet tall.

Hubby doesn't want anything from this man, he'd just like him to know that he has a son (and awesome grandchildren), and if possible, get some family tree/medical history information that he can pass to his children.

I know this blog is all about how Hubby has hurt me, but let me just take this opportunity to say that he has one of the biggest hearts around. I wouldn't still be with him if I couldn't see his true soul buried under years of pain. Any man should be proud to call him his son.

My Brother's Keeper

I have been quizzed over and over about my description of the unrepentant women who have seduced, and allowed themselves to be seduced by, my husband. "Whore" is the term that I most often use, and I have been harshly criticized for this (even though, "Hey Ho! is a common greeting among many of these women). I've considered substituting this term for another, but apparently Webster has yet to come up with a polite term for people who fail to accept responsibility for how their actions affect others. Although, I guess I could be really biblical and say, "strange woman".

In my single days, I flashed many a flirty smile at attractive men, with little thought over whether or not they were married. A naive idealist, or a whore (I use this term for both men and women, by the way) might say something like, "Well, you hadn't made any vows. If those men were too weak (or their love for their wives too weak) to not be tempted by you, that was their problem, not yours!"

NOT SO! I take responsibility for every second that I may have stolen from another woman's marriage. To any man who may have spent his drive home from work reveling over how he was still attractive to women of the young, unmarried variety (because of my attention), instead of anticipating the arms of his loving wife, I am sorry. To any wife who, still in her worn bathrobe, may have quickly tossed toys in the toy box while faithfully attempting to have dinner ready on time, only to have her husband return home distracted, and resentful of her haphazard appearance (because I had a whole hour in the bathroom to primp and quaff before flirting with him), I am doubly sorry.

Other than my initial moment of repentance, and my reflections in this post, I haven't spent much time thinking about how my selfish actions may have affected another's marriage. I have given my sin, whether purposeful or out of selfish stupidity, to God, and have been completely forgiven. But, the thought of people taking zero responsibility for how their flirty actions or seductive dressing may affect others is appalling to me. It makes me want to scream! To me, it's like barreling down the street towards a pedestrian, simply because the light is green and they are failing to cross at a cross walk. We must protect each other! If our freedoms cause another to stumble, we must reevaluate them.

In the words of Jesus, "Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the [person] through whom they come!" Matthew 18:7

My mind is on this particular topic today because of a post I read this morning. I would normally link to the source of my inspiration, but this very well written and thoughtful post contains a link that, if followed, indirectly leads to some explicit "adult" sites.

My fellow blogger claims that some child "modeling" sites are really fronts for legalized child prostitution, and that they have extra pages that can be accessed only by paying customers. I followed the link (to a very reputable online magazine) she provided, and found her claims to be true. According to the news source, these "extra pages" include photos and videos of girls, some as young as nine years old, in bikinis, and seductively hiking mini-skirts.

When interviewed by the news source on whether or not it bothered her that men were being aroused by images of her little girl, one mother replied, "If they enjoy looking at a kid baking cookies in a video and find that arousing, that's their own sickness, not ours,". This same mother claims that her daughter's pay-to-view site is completely innocent, and is aimed at other children. These "children" must have very deep pockets, because when asked about the revenue from her daughter's site, she says, "Let's just say that from her portion of the earnings, she could apply for medical school right now and not have to take out a loan,".

Not only is this mother unwilling to put her daughter's well-being and emotional health above her own material desires (which is absolutely unconscionable!), she is also unwilling to accept any responsibility for using her daughter as enticement, and leading addicts to sin. This is outrageous, yet, it is a very common mindset in today's world.

In this way, the stripper, the office flirt, and the parent of a child "model" are all much the same. "If he weren't looking at me/my child he would be looking at someone else." could be self-righteously said by each of them. Nice try, only we're not responsible for the someone else, we're responsible for our own actions, and we will be held responsible for how they affect others.

** The little girl whose mother was quoted will undoubtedly, but for the grace of God, grow up to be one of those women who I am tempted to hate. Without intervention, she will continue to grow up feeling that she exists only to please men, and will find little pleasure or fulfillment in anything else. Her name is Jessi. Please pray for her.

***I should also add that the office flirt who attends church on Sunday is more guilty than the stripper or the "stage mom" who do not. God's laws are for those of us who have been redeemed. Once redeemed, there is no condemnation for the past.

Moving Soon

My regular readers will know that Hubby and I are planning a move (back to the mountains) very soon. I am also working on moving this blog. I've been busily transferring my old posts over to Blogger, and will hopefully finish sometime in the next week or so.

The new address will be: http://www.poured.blogspot.com/

I won't be posting anything new at that address until I have transfered all of my old posts, so continue checking here for the time being. I've been paying $8.95 (was $14.95) a month for this Typepad blog, which is really ridiculous considering I couldn't afford the cumin for my chicken soup this week. If I had known how easy the Blogger set up was, I would have moved a long time ago!

On a side note, it has been awesome to go back and read my posts from the beginning of this blog. Wow, I knew God was moving quickly, but his commitment to us has been wonderful, and is overwhelmingly humbling.

About seven o'clock this evening Hubby left for our mountain destination. We decided, a few weeks back, that he would go on ahead of me if work ended for him here before we could find a home there (he is going to be camping in a friend's unfinished house). I really just assumed that God was going to move before that happened. I should have known better than to align his timing with mine. We don't attempt to know what God has up his sleeve, but we're trusting that it is something great. We need to believe that this pain is going to be worth it!

After paying our bills with his last paycheck (which we were able to do, praise the Lord!!), and setting aside the gas money for his trip, Hubby and I were both left with $20, and no guarantee of when a paycheck might come from his new job (assuming his Monday morning interview goes well). On the gloomy and the bright side, it's not really the money that has me worried (right now at least). I have plenty of diapers, and a decently stocked kitchen of milk, eggs, rice, beans, etc., as well as some great veggies from m-i-l's garden. But I desperately missed Hubby as soon as he walked out the door (great news!), and I'm anxious about how long he might have to work this new job before he can afford to move the rest of us.

Please, please keep us in your prayers during this, yet another trying time. We're STILL trusting, but we could use some good men and women to hold up our arms for a little while.

**I should add that this move, while an act of obedience to God, is also a very practical thing for my family. Hubby has expressed a deep need and desire for the kind of accountability that is just not available in city-life. We both feel that God, and practicality, would have us to make this move. Also, there are absolutely no sexual addiction ministries in the secluded area, and we hope to be led by God to bring light into the darkness!

Whatever You Sow

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:7-9

I realize this passage is mainly about being generous with believers. But, I think there is enough other evidence in scripture to claim that, "garbage in, garbage out" is biblical, so that's the context in which I'm using these verses now.

I learned something last Sunday night that I've been trying to blog about all week. I hesitated, because I'm afraid to come across as legalistic. I truly want to be free in Christ, and I want every Christian to feel that way, so please read on with that in mind.

On our way home from church Hubby took to channel surfing the radio. I immediately became agitated, but wasn't exactly sure why. We listened to pieces of a country song (I love country music) about adultery, a pop song about independence, and rocked out to a ballad about happiness that is found elsewhere than in God. Annoyed, I "plink, plink, plink, plink, plinked" the radio dial until I heard a familiar praise and worship song. My spirit immediately found rest, and I turned to Hubby and exclaimed (in one of those whisper-yells, so as not to wake our sleeping children), "The only originality I hear anymore is in Christian music!" Hubby and I are extremely blessed to be part of two churches that both celebrate God through very skillful and "hip" music. But as soon as my statement to Hubby left my mouth, I realized that while I meant what I said, I had also left out a lot. I was learning a very important truth for my life.

The things I want break down pretty simply: I want peace, the joy of the Lord, forgiveness, hope, and love to fill my spirit at all times. I have seen so clearly how these things overshadow, and revolutionize, even the darkest circumstances. And, if these are the things I want at all times, these are the things I must feed myself, AT ALL TIMES. Music feeds my soul like no other source. It feeds my lust, my depression, my mania, my materialism, my hate, my sadness, my hopelessness, and my joy. If it doesn't line up with the Word of God, I frankly just don't want to hear it. This is the first time in my life I have felt this way, and I'm excited to watch what will bloom in my soul when I wholeheartedly commit to planting what is pure.

No Thanks?!

I'm holding my next post hostage (and it's the best one yet!;)) until you guys comment here.

The most creative commenter will win an all expenses paid trip to Tahiti, or a free copy of my first book (whichever I decide).

Documenting Desires

It is so good to see evidence of God's work on my heart. To know that suffering and trials really aren't for naught is a wonderful feeling. I know, however, that I still have many hopes and wishes that come directly from my human heart, and would completely bypass the perfect will of God. I'm at a point in my walk where it is becoming more and more difficult to tell the difference though. I want good things, for the most part.

As of September 4, 2007, here are the things that top my list of dreams (except for #1, these are in no particular order):

1. Raise godly, adjusted children

2. Become a financially successful, respected writer

3. Find a publisher for Poured

4. Minister, as a team with Hubby, to the broken-hearted

5. Feel truly loved by my husband

6. Learn what it means to forgive completely

7. Excel as a homeschool mom

8. Break the cycle of discipline I learned from my mother, and stop, completely stop, yelling at my kids

9. GET OUT OF DEBT, AND STAY OUT OF DEBT!

10. Own a four bedroom home where we can entertain friends and family

11. Have enough money to pay our bills and then help others

12. Have more children

13. Return to Colorado in a few years, and raise our kids at our current church

I heard a story, quite a few years ago, from a woman who seemed to have the perfect marriage. She told me that when praying for her husband she wrote out a very specific list (even down to height, hair color, ethnicity, and mannerisms) of the man she wanted. God gave him to her, and at the point I heard the story they had been married about twenty years.

I don't fault her for not telling me the whole story, I was too young to understand. I have since learned, however, that this perfect man, this gift from God to her, had engaged in a devastating affair early on in their marriage. When I learned of their history I was immediately struck with a plethora of conflicting thoughts and emotions:

• Did God truly mean him for her, or did He offer him up as He offered a king to the whining Israelites?
• Were they meant for each other all along, and the man just made a devastating mistake?
• Did God put them together because of the mistake the man was going to make, and how He knew they would grow through it?

I'm sure there are other options, but these are the ones I spent the most time pondering. No matter what the answer, my quest for the truth led me to make a decision about my own life. I want to remain always aware of my desires, so that I know when they are fulfilled, and when they change. They are never to set in stone.

God, I want, with my whole heart, the things I listed today. I also want my whole heart to belong to you. If any of these things stand in the way, please gently mold my desires to your will, until I want only the things you have designed for my life. Amen!

The Desires of my Heart

If you've read my testimony, you know that Psalm 37:4 has been one of my life verses for a few years now. I was only going to blog about it, alone, but decided it had been a little while since I'd read the whole chapter. So I just read it, and I'm having one of those, "Lord, you are so smart!" moments right now.

When Hubby and I first decided to recommit to our marriage, one of my requests was that he find some way to take back all of the horrible things he'd said about me. Even though he had mostly spread his lies at strip clubs and bars, I was still adamant about reclaiming my "reputation" (If you've never been cheated on, you need to know that in addition to the agonizing personal pain, it is also completely humiliating. People rarely believe that a good wife is ever betrayed.). Of course, Hubby didn't return to those places to vindicate me, and of course, I didn't really want him to.

But look what comes immediately after my verse...

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

I'm in awe of the completeness of this living Word!

The desire for justice runs deep in us because it is in the heart of God. It's a good thing! But, we cannot bring it about on our own. If we leave justice to him, he will vindicate us.

"Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land." Psalm 37:1-9

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" is the verse I've been claiming for so long. Not in a self-seeking way, for that is not how I read it. A better translation from the Hebrew text would have been: Become malleable before the Lord, and he will instill in you his desires. Basically, if you let him, God will conform your very wants to his ways. I think that is finally becoming a reality in my life, because when I read the passage printed above my heart swells like the Grinch's on Christmas Day in Who-ville. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO BE CUT-OFF! My desire is the same as God's, in this respect, that all men would come to the knowledge of the truth. Do I want to see some of them suffer a broken heart? Sure, I've spent a really ungodly amount of time wishing that. I long for justice. But when it comes down to eternity, heaven or hell, I would not push the button to open the trap door to hell for ANYONE. When I read that passage I realize that God plans to punish the unrepentant people who have wronged me, because they have wronged me! I think this is the aspect of God that is mirrored in "maternal instinct". I am humbled, grateful for his overwhelming love, and terrified.

I feel spurred by mercy, and have a newfound desire to pray salvation for those who have wronged me. Justice and mercy, both the heart of God, have been planted in my spirit, and I pray that they grow and grow.

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

I'd Push Through the Crowd to Touch Him, Right?

    **UPDATE BELOW**

I have been absolutely worn out lately. I don't mean tired, I mean tired on drugs (without the benefit of actually taking drugs). On Friday afternoon, I, out of the clear blue sky, began having very painful UTI symptoms again. I say "symptoms", because I don't really believe the pain could have hit me that strongly if I was only just developing the infection. I don't know if these things can lie dormant, but I guess I'm going to have to look into it. I drank a lot of water, took cranberry pills, took large doses of vitamin C, drank pomegranate juice, ate blueberries, drank fresh mint tea...ummm, and peed A LOT. By Friday evening I felt completely normal, and thought I had caught it early enough to avoid a long battle. Hubby let me sleep in on Saturday morning, and when I woke up I felt good, but I had to pee. I went into the bathroom feeling fine, but exited in excruciating pain.

"Iiiitt'ss baaaaack!" I told Hubby, laughing to fight back the tears. Over the next few hours I HAD to pee (with no real success) about twenty times. After the third or fourth time I announced that there was some blood on the tissue. Hubby freaked, and wanted to take me to the emergency room. Now, I have extreme issues with doctors and medical science (which I will go into in a minute), so I refused. Over the course of the next couple of hours the amount of blood increased to a pretty sickening amount (I've decided to spare you the details). I started to get a little worried, but, because I wasn't running a fever, asked Hubby to give me one more hour with my home remedies. By evening I was back to normal, again, and Sunday was a good day too (thank the Lord). I'm not peeing blood, or anything that dramatic, but I am in some pain again today. The stress of an emergency room bill might just do me in, so I'm waiting till tomorrow to do something.

I'm praying that won't be necessary, but, if I need to see a doctor, I will. I realized on Saturday evening that my inability to go to the hospital might be a bigger problem than I'd ever realized. If you've read my testimony, you know that I've spent a lot of my life in physical, but undiagnosable, pain. I was accused of being crazy, wanting to skip school, attention seeking, and just plain laziness. Looking back, I'm not sure what hurt the most, the physical pain, or the doubt of my friends, family, and doctors. I've always known that it injured me, but I didn't realize, until this weekend, just how much. After all, I watched myself pee a stream of something that looked much more like blood than urine (OK, so you probably didn't want to know that!), and five minutes later thought to myself, "Don't be so dramatic, I'm sure it's nothing."

Anyway, please pray for me. Pray that God will heal me, and, if he chooses to use a doctor, that I'll fight my demons and obey.

P.S. The title of this post is really for my own conviction. I've been spending so much time medicating myself, and deciding whether or not to go to the doctor, that I've spent very little time asking God to heal me, or what he would have me to do. I wonder if I still have the faith?

**Well, it's Tuesday morning and I'm feeling great, still tired, but great (praise the Lord!!). I'll let you know if any pain returns, but for now I'm just resting while my kiddos watch PBS. Thank you for your prayers!

A Great Big, Teeny-Tiny, Praise

Last night, when I put the littles to bed, I could not find baby girl's pacifier ANYWHERE. We looked under the couch, in the toy boxes, in the drawers and cabinets, and left no pile of laundry unturned. It had simply vanished, and baby girl was screaming bloody-murder. One of my toddlers still uses a pacifier, and has never been picky about the brand. So, I grabbed a handful of her old ones, and took them down to try them out. One by one I stuck them in her mouth. One by one she angrily threw them across the room, her screams reaching a deafening pitch.

I was about to throw myself on the floor to cry myself to sleep, when I had a thought (clearly the Holy Spirit). I reached underneath her mattress, and ran my hand along the side. Ah ha! I felt it! It was with victorious joy that I pulled it from its hiding spot. But, when I placed it in her mouth, I realized that it was not the yellow one I had been searching for, but its pink twin we had lost four months earlier!

I ran upstairs and said to Hubby, "You will not believe what I just found!"

"What?"

"The pink one!"

"What, where was it?!!"

I told him and we both laughed hysterically, enjoying the peaceful silence that was now emanating from our sleeping babies.

I went on with my evening, cleaning the kitchen and packing Hubby's lunch for the next day. It wasn't until right before bed that it hit me, "He thought it was as funny as I did!"

A very wise friend of mine, right after Hubby and I began the recovery process, gave me the following advice, "Growth in people is sometimes a lot like trying to watch a tree grow. It's very slow, and if you're anxiously watching for it, you probably won't see much. But, if you look back a year from now, you should be able to see a significant change."

A year ago, even six months ago, Hubby would not have been connected enough to share in last night's little joy. The same conversation would probably have gone more like this:

"You will not believe what I just found!"

What?"

"The pink one!"

"The pink what?"

"The pink pacifier."

"Oh, that's nice."

He just didn't get it. Me, the kids, husband, father...he was clueless. These roles required too much from him emotionally, and he was not able to open himself up in order to receive from us. He was nice to me (in word) but we were far from being one. It's a funny way for God to reveal growth, but what a wonderful way! It's all about the little things, right? In this case, a tiny pink pacifier.