The Wife of an Addict

All Covered in Should

I came across this awesome site today, and now I'm all covered in "should" about the course we've been on in my husband's recovery. When his addiction was first released from it's dark closet, I was a few months pregnant. He wanted help at that point, and if I had known about this six-month live-in program, I could have sent him off, and had a healthy husband back in time for our babies to be born! I know, I know, I can't go back, but I am just feeling so frustrated over this delayed discovery. It has been such a hard year! Sometimes I try to breathe, and find myself crying, from an overwhelming wave of relief and exhaustion, instead.

Why didn't someone tell us about this program a year ago!! Maybe I wouldn't have learned what God wanted me to learn if I'd just shipped H off to recover on his own. I don't know. I do know that there is another level of intensity, in sex addiction recovery, that we haven't tried yet. And that is a comfort, if for any reason H is not able to stay on path with the guide of our current plan. I know, from all he tells me, and is currently showing me, that he doesn't want to remain sick. And I need him well!!

I was looking at the Pure Ministries page when he came in just now, and his reaction was pretty much the same as mine. "Well, that would have been good to know!" I hope that we don't ever need to take such a drastic step now that we have four young children (six months is a long time away from daily changing and growing babies). With the Lord's help, I trust that we won't.

I think I figured it out!

I have been fighting so much anger all week, and now I think I know what is going on. We've been up at our church a lot, because H is volunteering. And since we're committed to doing everything together, and we are living an hour from the church, (especially for 56 more days!) the kids and I come too. They're all too young to just run around, so the kids and I hang out in one of the nursery rooms. Then today, since they need him all weekend, they've put us up in a room at the Prayer Center. So basically, he's doing something really great. He's involved in the things I've always wanted him to be involved in, and fellowshipping with the people I've always hoped he'd want to fellowship with...and I hate it!!

I'm stuck in a little room with the kids all day, and it feels just like our old life when he was out running around, and abandoning me at home. He's really attentive, and checks on me all the time, plus the fact that he's doing something great. But I just feel so left out and abandoned. I love my kids, but they are all so young (four two and under), that I feel completely imprisoned by them most of the time. I've talked to him about it, and he suggests putting them in the church childcare while he works, so that I can write in the cafe or coffee shop (it's a big church). It's a great suggestion, but people pay for that childcare, and I don't want to take advantage. If you pray for me, pray about what I should do about all this. I've just been so miserable. And I thought I was over being miserable, at least for awhile!

BTW, H just walked in the door with a cake for me for my belated birthday. He did end up saying "Happy Birthday," to me on my birthday, but it was late in the afternoon before he remembered. The cake looks gooood though. I'm gonna go have some!

Thank God he didn't finish the pie!!

If there was ever a night for chocolate, tonight was the night! H just went to bed a little while ago, and I decide to stay up to catch up on my e-mail. I had a MySpace friend request, and even though I think MySpace is the Devil, all of my high school friends are there, and so I caved, and got a page. Well, the page of the person requesting me was set to private, so I had to add them in order to find out who they were. Who was it??? One of the first women to seek out and seduce my husband after we were married!! Everyone in town hated her for the way she shamelessly flirted with him. She even let the air out of her own tires so that she could be the damsel in distress. I wasn't at all worried, cause she was, well, not very attractive. Anyway, I got really sick, and was bedridden for the first eight weeks of my first pregnancy, and that's when she really struck, and was eventually successful. And even though I know that H never thinks about her, it still did happen, and she has never come forward to apologize to me!

The real burn is that I was trying to mentor her. She was kind of a mess, and I had (and truthfully have) a real love for her. Some people think that maybe she wanted to be me, (which is not the point of mentoring!) and that in a sick way, that's why she had to have my husband.

She's married now, and her page is all about how she takes such good care of her hubby. Well, so did I.

Thanks...I feel a little better now. Maybe it was the pie;)

And I'll Cry If I Want To

So far, it has been "one of those days". I can't completely put my finger on it, except that it's my birthday. I'm not a birthday person. I've never wanted a big party, but I guess I don't want the day to go completely unnoticed, BY MY HUSBAND! It's not that he's being rude, or thoughtless in any other way today, he just hasn't said "happy birthday," not once. Maybe he doesn't remember that it's my birthday, or maybe he just doesn't think it's a big deal, because we kind of celebrated with my family last week. I don't know, but it's really aggravating me.

Another thing that is bugging me, and this happened yesterday, so maybe it's the real culprit for my weird mood today, is that I think I'm starting to get a bad reputation at our church. A lot of people know about our situation, and they think it is an awesome idea that we are committed to doing everything as a family during this season of healing. But there are also people that don't have any idea what we've been through. I think it's good for H to have people that he can really start over with. I want him to have a reputation as a godly man, because I want him to be a godly man. But he got a call yesterday, from the assistant of the man he's been volunteering for (building sets for the Easter production), asking if he could come into town three days this week. H said that he could, if they could put us up for at least one of the nights, because driving back and forth would be too much for the kids. Then, the assistant quizzed him as to why it was necessary to bring us along (I heard her through the phone). First of all, this is a completely inappropriate question from a single woman to a married man. Don't you think?!! And secondly, since he was kind of put on the spot, he didn't have the best answer. He said things like, "We just like to be together." and "My wife won't be able to get any work done without someone to help with the kids." Now both are basically true, but I feel like they leave me looking like the pathetic, needy wife. When instead, I feel I should be seen as the rock who is willing to suffer any inconvenience to walk out God's plan for my family! So, I'm mad! I've been trying since yesterday not to be, but I am. I told H that I didn't want him to look bad, I just resented it when I came out looking bad. He said he was really sorry, and that he'd fix it. I'm not exactly sure what that means. Mainly I'm just mad about her even asking that question!

I need something to punch on today!:) That's what I should have asked for, for my birthday!:)

The Pleasures of Being Poor;)

OK, this is a little off the topic of me and hubby, but I need a place to vent. I had to take the seven month old twins to the WIC office today for a weight check. They have put on a great amount of weight since being underweight last month, so all of the feedback should have been positive. But it wasn't, of course. The government loves to give, conditionally. If you submit to their criticism, anal scrutiny, and condescending talk, then they'll give you free milk and eggs. Nothing is free.

I was raised poor, but was never on any kind of government aid until after getting married. I guess I grew up a "higher class of poor". We were poor because my family was in the ministry. My grandparents on both sides were wealthy and accomplished, and we were raised with class. I grew up feeling "proud to be poor by choice, but eternally rich." If I have to be poor now, I'd like it to have that same feeling. But today, not so much.

On a happier note, when I told H about the appointment, he was extremely sympathetic. He promised to go with me from now on, for moral support, and to keep them from treating me that way. That felt pretty darn good!

End of the month worries.

Well, despite yesterday, we're pretty much back on track today. There was a little tension this afternoon over setting up the kiddie pool, but it didn't last long. Actually, it was more over my coming out in a new suit, and H not commenting. When I suggested that meant he didn't like it, he said that he just had other things on his mind. Then, and I guess this is because of the pain from yesterday, because I have been so much better about avoiding this kind of commentary lately, I insisted that he would have noticed if it were on anyone else but me. We recovered pretty quickly though. I made a chocolate pie, and he just put on a fresh pot of coffee, so I'm just gonna take a little break from our evening to write.:)

I know that God is going to give, or continue to give, us the miracle we're seeking. I know it! But I'm down to the end of my last pack of diapers, again, with NOTHING in the bank, and it's a little scary. We're supposed to be getting small check from the insurance company, which should get us through most of next month, but it's the little things I'm worried about right now. Worrying has never gotten me anywhere though, so I'm trying to just keep my focus on Jesus.

Heaven Help Us!

H stayed up till six o'clock in the morning last night, reading Frank Peretti's Piercing the Darkness. It's a two-books-in-one collectors book of This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness. I bought it for him almost three years ago. A couple of weeks ago he was talking to me/asking me about spiritual warfare, and I remind that I had given him a novel, by a well respected Christian author, on the subject. He said, "Really!? Where is it?" I found it really quickly since we've just moved, and all of our books are in one box. He's been obsessed with it ever since, probably to the detriment of his recovery reading, but I think it is such an important subject for him to get a handle on, (he's a former Marine, and a natural born fighter, yet he lays down and takes everything the unseen enemy dishes out) that I really don't mind.

I guess maybe he would have just stayed up to finish it, but around 5:30 am, when I realized he hadn't come to bed yet, I walked upstairs to find him still reading. I guess I broke his concentration, because he came to bed soon after that.

So everything's going great, right?!

I didn't sleep very well without him in bed, and he definitely didn't sleep, so when the girls woke up around 8:00, I just brought them downstairs to hang out and watch a movie while we rested. I'm not sure when I actually fell asleep, but a little after 10:00am I woke up to an empty bed, again. I thought that the kids were probably just keeping him up, and that he'd gone up to the couch to nap. I went to check...but no hubby in sight. "Oh, maybe he's sleeping in one of the girls' beds!" Nope, not there either. It really wasn't till then that the dread hit me. I raced to the office just in time to see him closing down a window, so that I couldn't see it.

"What happened!!!!???" I yelled out in horror. "What are you doing in here?!"

His mother is out of town, and it is her office, so I had shut down the computer, and even unplugged the monitor to help remove temptation. She said, at one point, that she passworded it, but maybe she doesn't know how. And I don't know how. Anyway, his little brother has been staying here a lot, and had hooked the computer back up, and had left it online without my knowing it. So, Satan had his window back!

H tried to lie a little, but not as well, or as confidently as usual. He caved really quickly, and said that he really doesn't know what happened. He said that he thought he was getting stronger (but it's only in recognizing our weakness that we are made strong, right!?), but that he woke up feeling strange, really tired and beat-up, and that almost still asleep he'd just wandered upstairs to the computer.

I take no responsibility for this attack, but I do feel that I missed the calling of the Lord, to really fall on my face and pray for h yesterday. The Lord warned me that Satan was going to lie to h, and tell him that'd he'd already messed up, because of what happened in his sleep night before last. Today I asked h if Satan had whispered that to him, and he confirmed that he had.

I also asked him how close he had come to acting out with the porn. He said he was probably a few minutes away! I am so grateful to the Holy Spirit for waking me.

I looked and the history on the computer, knowing that he wouldn't have had time to erase it. I won't tell you what he was searching for, because it is completely unedifying, but I can tell you that I'm not sure if it was for heterosexual, or homosexual porn. I just feel that we are being attacked from all sides!

Please pray.

He's been very repentant today, but hasn't seemed defeated. He got right back to his reading, and has been blasting praise music. He came in the kitchen while I was making dinner, and gave me a hug. I responded by jumping into his arms again, which made us both laugh.

We're flawed people, aren't we? But I think that the heart condition is what is truly important. I'm still standing, and my heart is glad.

What are we supposed to do now?

Well, I can't at all say that it's been a bad day, considering I know exactly what a bad day is. But I guess confusing would be a good adjective.

Yesterday was a wonderful day! We started to get a little bit cranky around lunch time, because of some financial things we are wading through. But H did a really amazing thing, (considering he's an anorexic) and instead of getting mad that I was mad, asked me if I wanted a hug! I ran across the room and jumped into his arms, and just like that, it was a good day. Except for the fact that I may have jump started his mojo a little too much.:) He admitted to me a few hours later that he was having a VERY difficult day.

Last night we sat out on the patio with his younger brother. We lit the first fire of the year in our fire bowl, and just had the best time hanging out together. H also really witnessed to his brother, and that was so exciting for me to watch. I've never seen him stand up for Christ around his family before. He seemed to have a really good grasp of the relationship with Jesus that makes a true believer. It was all very encouraging.

Probably due to all the fresh air and the cozy cuddling we had done on the porch swing, we were both a little too frisky when we went to bed. No, this is not going exactly where you think it is! But in the morning, he looked at me funny, and then he smiled and said, "Oh, it was just a dream. I had a really vivid dream about us." Now who could get mad about their husband having a sex dream about them?! Well not me anyway, not after everything we've been through. But then, as he got up out of bed, he realized that something had biologically happened during his dream. "I think we might have to start over." he said, almost in horror.

I was facing the other way, nursing a baby, so he didn't even have to tell me. Copping to something that embarrassing is an incredible step for him. But do we REALLY have to start over? I know he got a dose of the chemical we're avoiding. But it was while he was sleeping! Anyway, we're praying about what to do. But for now, I'm still saying that our honeymoon date is May 26th.

Terrible and Pretty Cool

Last night, when I told this story to a girlfriend of mine, I asked her if she'd "like to hear about something cool and gross." :)

Anyway, H and I were at church on Sunday night, sitting where we usually sit in the evening service...all the way down at the front, on the far right-hand side. We like being close to the front, but since the far sides are never very crowded, we don't feel like we (our babies) are disturbing anyone.

It's a pretty common thing to see dancers, and people kneeling to pray, around us, because there is a lot of open floor space off to the side of the platform. So, there was a young red-headed ballerina dancing there on Sunday night. I used to dance in church, so I know that it is often done purely out of worship. With this as my reference point, I was blessed to see her out of the corner of my eye. During the offering, I leaned over to H and said, "I used to do that." My inference was that I missed having that kind of skill, as well as the courage to stand up in view of everyone. He looked at me with a kind of scowl, and said, "You used to dance like that?" Puzzled as to what he meant, I didn't answer. "She's just trying to get attention." he said. I was frustrated, because I know that this is a common misconception. He could tell that I was annoyed, but just kept going. "She's not worshiping. I can tell......"

When worship was over, she passed by us to walk to the back of the auditorium. H was facing forward, but I watched her to see if she looked like the worshipful spirit I had credited her as being. As she passed, she looked seductively at H to see if he had noticed her, and then gave me the coldest glance I have ever seen. I was stunned. H sensed the change in my mood, and whispered, "Are you mad at me?" "Why?" I asked, wondering if he thought he had in some way invited the attention. "For being critical of her dancing?" he said.

"NO!" I whispered. "Not at all."

"What's wrong?"

"I was soo wrong. She has the Jezebel Spirit on her. I just saw it." (Doug Weiss believes that sexually addicted men are being drawn to women who are inhabited by/oppressed by the Spirit of Jezebel, and I have come to agree 100%.)

"Really!"

"Yes, I cannot believe I was so wrong." I said.

So the terrible part is obvious; one more woman going to church to meet and corrupt godly, or potentially godly, men. But the cool part is that H wasn't tricked by her, AND I WAS! Why am I excited that I was tricked? Well, because I saw an attractive women, parading herself in view of my husband, and I wasn't judgmental, or jealous!

Yea for me!:)

The Pressure Is On!

Well, my mil and I have worked through everything, which is a huge weight off my shoulders. I have truly desired to be a good witness to her through all of this, and couldn't stand that something so small was threatening to come between us. We sent a couple e-mails back and forth, but my title to this post is referring to what I told her in the last one that I sent.

Anyway, H and I are trusting God to save our family. And because we believe that He desires to use us to someday minister to other marriages who are being broken because of sex addiction, we trust that He will provide a way for us to heal. We also believe in demonic forces however, and believe that because we will be used to further the Kingdom of God, Satan has reason to come against us with all his resources (which are numerous). So we're praying hard, and seeking God as to how we can remove temptation from H's path. The answer we keep hearing is just, "Stay close to each other." We really believe that it is God's plan for H and I to never again hold traditional jobs outside the home. Do we have the faith to walk this out?? We'll see. I am excited to bring some money in for my family. I've lived the past two years feeling like I had lost my brain!:) It's good to feel like I'm worth something again. We are both looking for ways we can use our talents from home to serve God, and earn a living. If you've never seen a real life miracle, just watch what God does in our family over these next few months. I know that is a huge statement, but by faith, I truly believe it! All that is just to say, don't worry about the house! If the time comes for you to sell it, before we have moved on, God will provide some other place for us. I have no doubt about this.

I felt so inspired while writing all of that to her, but since then, have had a few freak-out moments. I suppose that is just the attack I was warning of, because as I reread it now, I feel excited again!