The Wife of an Addict

God is so cool!

OK, I know I'm still in my twenties (two good years left!) because when God does something really awesome in my life, I want to say, "God, you are so freakin' cool!" That just seems so wrong, but He knows my heart.

I have been having a REALLY hard week. Everything reminds me of H's betrayal. I want to run around the block screaming at the top of my lungs, but of course I don't. So instead I just snap at my family, and then apologize, and then snap, and then apologize, and then snap...

But I've learned a huge lesson these last couple of days, and I'm so excited to share! When Satan grabs me by my hair and shoves me in front of the mirror of my painful past, I have a new recourse. I say, "Yes, I remember that! I was there, and it hurt A LOT. Now I'm going to see how many people I can find who are going through that today, and try to comfort them, and pray for them."

I am NOT a "Satan take that!" person. NOOO, not at all. I know that he has power, and I don't mess around with that. But I have to stop letting him beat me up. So that's the new plan! Like it?? I like it!

Yesterday, in line with the new plan, I felt led to write the following to a suffering sister. I thought I'd share it, so maybe it can be a blessing to others. I hope so anyway.

Oh how I wish I did not understand your emotions!! I have been there so recently sista! Of course I worry, all the time, that I will end back there some day, but I know that I won't! You know why?..."And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our SUFFERINGS, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us..."

I love this verse so much, because it doesn't just promise us reward for suffering FOR Christ (persecution), but for suffering as a Christian, in any area of our lives. This is so important to me, because I've never really been persecuted for my beliefs. But oh how I have suffered!

While the Bible promises us what suffering can do, it is not *guaranteed* to produce this good in us. It can also do the opposite. We have to grieve, we have to get angry; we have to scream, and to cry, and maybe even to throw a dish or two. But we do not have to stay there!! There are awesome rewards just waiting for us on the other-side of this suffering, even BECAUSE of this suffering (although I don't think it's necessary to thank our husbands!). Will our husbands be there? Maybe, maybe not. I hope so.

I don't want to "recover," I want to grow!

Finally finished!

Click on the new "My Story" link in the sidebar, if you are interested in knowing more, a lot more, about my life and marriage.

Hey peeps;)

I'm still busy working on my story, but I've added some fun stuff at the bottom of the page for ya.:)

Also, I've even opened the comment option on this post! It's a rare occurrence, so don't miss the opportunity to express yourself! LOL

Prayer for "The Whole Story"

If I don't post for a couple of days, don't worry. I'm probably fine. I am working on a very long post, "The Whole Story". I was supposed to write my story, as part of my recovery work, a long time ago. But I never finished it. Please pray that I don't get too down while revisiting everything, and that I can remember all the wonderful lessons that God has taught me in the time since some of the major tragedies of my life have occurred.

Also, what should I include, and what should I leave out, to ensure that my book isn't published in blog format?;) I need God to reveal this to me.

Should I tell you about the time my husband walked in the door to find me lying on the floor with a carving knife in my left hand (my right arm was broken from the fall I took after receiving a call from my husband's girlfriend.)? How about the time I started throwing dishes against my kitchen wall, because I didn't know how else to release my anger, and my husband reacted by putting his head through the bedroom door? Or maybe you'd like to know that I begged my husband to stay with me until the babies were born (I was five months pregnant, and he was going to leave me for his addiction)? I don't want to keep these things from you, because many of you are in the exact same boat right now. You need to know that you are not alone. My life isn't joyful today (or on the road toward joy) because it was never that bad to begin with. If you'd asked me one year ago, I wouldn't have traded lives with anyone. I want to convey this to you. Pray that God will guide my words this week, and give me wisdom beyond my understanding.

A Good Question!

Why is the book about this part of my life (having my heart broken by my husband) titled, "Poured"?

I feel like the Lord gave me this title almost as soon as I agreed to expose my pain and embarrassment, and start on a truly honest book that will hopefully touch many lives. But I settled on it just a few months back. As I sat in church listening to a beautiful sermon on the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears, and then poured out a bottle of expensive perfume over them, I knew that the Lord was explaining the reason for the title Poured to me.

The pastor explained the symbolism of the poured perfume a little differently than I was used to, and it resonated so strongly with me. He said that yes, the perfume was the most valuable thing she owned, probably by far, but that it also represented something shameful and tainted. How could she have afforded such a luxury? Was it a gift from a man? Pouring this tainted yet valuable item out over Jesus' feet was a way of offering Jesus a gift, and ridding herself of guilt and shame. A third beautiful aspect of this story is that she was not afraid, or embarrassed, to offer Jesus something tainted! Praise the Lord.

My marriage, my family, and my reputation, are the most valuable things I have in this world. But they are tainted with a shame that goes so deep I could just crawl in a hole and never resurface. The incredible news, for me, is that Jesus loves to be given these broken treasures. They are still valuable offerings to Him. I just have to kneel at His feet, break them open, and pour them out! After I've soaked His feet with my tears of course; and believe me, I have!

Is this a new idea?

I've decided to dedicate myself, for the next day or two, to adding recovery and support resources to the sidebar of this blog. If you've ended up here, suspecting your husband of cheating, or having just found out about his addiction, I am so very sorry. I know that this may be the worst day of your life. It certainly was for me.

By the beautiful grace of God, my mom had heard about Doug Weiss' ministry, just a few weeks before the full scope of my husband's addiction was revealed. So I didn't have to start this healing process completely on my own. I did, however, need so much more help and support than I was getting. I still do.

When you are in the state of shock and agony that goes along with learning of your protector's betrayal, it is almost impossible to gather the focus necessary to find out where to go next. I don't think that anyone should have to be that strong. Although I still struggle, I'm in a much stronger place today, over a year down the road, and I would like to help you, if I can.

Financial stress is the number one destroyer of otherwise healthy marriages. But when financial stress creeps in on a marriage damaged by sex addiction, it can obliterate the recovery process. Yes, I know that there is a lot of talk about self-accountability in the world today; and in it's sincere form, it is a healthy thing. But I think that, for the most part, we like to tell people to be accountable for their own actions, so that we don't have to be responsible for helping them.

My husband and I are whole-heartedly leaning on God to save our marriage. We feel that He has ordered us to put everything but Him second to our restoration. This includes salary earning work. Like many of your husbands, sending mine out into the work world is exactly the same as sending an alcoholic to a bar. He's just not ready. He may never truly be. So by committing myself to my marriage vows, I am also willing accepting a life of poverty. I do not think that this is right!! I think that people should be helping us! After all, can you put a price on a restored Godly marriage? How many lives will we touch after we come through this? How many lives will be destroyed if we don't?

Thinking about this issue in our lives has really inspired me beyond myself today. I do not want anymore recoveries to fail because of money! Not when both parties are otherwise committed to restoration. I have a new vision. I know that this may take a great deal of time to accomplish, but I'd like to incorporate The Wife of an Addict as a not-for-profit, and start a fund that wives (or married addicts) can apply to for financial assistance during the initial months of their recovery. Since I'm getting into the grant writing process, I can see clearly how this would work. The application process would include the base amount (no cable, internet, or cell phones) of the family's monthly living expenses, a letter from the family pastor, a detailed outline of the husband's recovery plan (written by the husband, and ok'd by the wife), the e-mail address of the husband's accountability partner, and a heartfelt letter from the wife, stating how much she needs, and why she feels her family needs and deserves it. If approved, the grant would cover the families expenses for three months. If help was still necessary at the end of the three months, the application process would have to be repeated, in it's entirety. A wife whose husband had left her for his addiction would also be eligible, but the application process would of course be a little different, and the support might be available for longer periods of time.

If you have any ideas about how to put feet to this vision, please write to me. Also, if you are aware of a place where I can get this kind of assistance for my family, I would be very grateful to receive this information as well.

Conflict of Interest

I need a little help on this one, so I'm hoping that writing it out will allow me to process (it often does). I have been feeling so neglected since my brother-in-law moved in with us. I want H to spend time with his brother, because having someone to witness to is encouraging H to focus on his walk. But, with four kids, we had so little alone time as it was. And now, I feel like every spare second is spent on "guy time".

I don't want to be a baby! Seriously, I don't (waa, waa, waa:)). So what do I do? I mean, we are supposed to be focusing all of our energy on healing us! But, if he's doing something to improve his walk, and the spiritual quality of this family, he's helping us indirectly (Right??). I've been speaking up about how I feel, especially today; but I'm afraid to speak up too much, because I don't want him to swing too far in the other direction. It's a really big deal to me though. I was neglected for the first three years of my marriage, and I do not intend to stand for any more of it!! H said that he's going to work on a schedule for himself when he gets up in the morning. I guess I'll ask him to schedule in some time for us. Yuck! That just feels so stale. I want life to be romantic and spontaneous, and of course, completely wonderful!! Haha. Oh, come on, it could happen! I guess that scheduled time is better than no time at all.

We did pray together tonight! That doesn't usually happen, even though we've intended to add it to our nightly "schedule". Please help us Jesus.

Scared Faithless

OK, this doesn't have that much to do with my husband's addiction, except that EVERYTHING has to do with my husband's addiction. Newsflash: We are DIRT POOR!!

I don't even care if we don't have ANY nice things, I just don't want to be in debt, and I want to be able to pay our utility bills. If you've been here for at least a few days, you know that I am starting to work from home, while my husband takes care of the kids. We're doing this so that he can recover in a safe environment. Don't get me wrong, I am actually really enjoying having us all home together. It's nice. We feel familial:) But today, after a collection call that scared me faithless, I am full of resentment over the fact that I am being forced to try to provide for my family. It wouldn't be so bad if we were starting at zero. I think that I could handle that. But we are so far behind! And this call today...well, the collections agency that our credit card company sold our account to is taking us to court! I have never been in this kind of situation in my life, and I am completely freaked out! I flipped out, and started yelling at my husband, right in front of his little brother. I have had so much on my plate since the kids have been born (four kids in less than seventeen months). And with, at the same time, trying desperately to find and rebuild some emotional health, I have let some really important things, like bills, go almost completely unnoticed. Not that we have had any money to pay them, but I should have been communicating with our creditors. Instead, out of fear and avoidance, I just pretended that they didn't exist. It's a defense mechanism I guess. I always intended to pay them when the money came in. But now it's too late, and I don't know what to do!!

I yelled at my husband, because I feel that he should not have left me in charge of the bills, and of course, because if he hadn't been crippled by selfishness and lust, we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I did apologize for yelling at him, and I apologized to his little brother as well.

I am going to be grant writing, but I'm wrestling over whether or not this is really the opportunity that God is handing me. The timing definitely seems like God, but I'm still a little unsettled over it. I know, just because I get into a particular field, doesn't mean that I have to commit myself to it for the next five years. And it's the only opportunity I am currently being offered...period. So I guess it would be ridiculous to not just jump right in and learn everything that I can.

Obviously, I wish that someone would "grant" me the money to drop everything and work on my book, and start a ministry for the wives of addicts. I believe that this will happen someday. Tomorrow would be great!!;)

A marriage without sex?

Can you have a marriage without sex? I don't really know why, but I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Talking to different women, mostly partners of addicts, I'm hearing a lot of stories about marriages that have lasted for months (and even longer) without any sexual contact.

Some of the women were feeling neglected (most all were actually being neglected) and some didn't really notice or care, until they realized that their husbands' were cheating. This is all extremely interesting to me, because I am a pretty sexual person, and am having a very hard time with the 90 days (or 45 and 45) of abstinence that we are attempting. I can't even imagine months of celibacy, except for with this kind of mutual agreement, and with a lot of communication. I would be cheating for sure! Seriously, I just don't think I could do it. So, that being said, I never thought that I would be the kind of women who would be cheated on! Of course, my husband didn't start physically cheating (he had cheated while we were living apart, but had been faithful for the little while we were together) until I got pregnant, and was too sick to move, let alone have the abundance of sex that we had become accustom to. He already had the addiction, but it wasn't allowed to run rampant in his life, as long as I was keeping it in check with my body.

OK, so is this sick and twisted logic?? Yes and no I think. We are supposed to have sex with our spouse. That's a major part of marriage. I think it's what actually makes us married (the two becoming one flesh). God did create us to go without sex for short seasons however. Levitical law prohibits sex during the menstrual cycle, and then again after childbirth. So we know that abstinence in marriage is more than possible. But, is it possible for more than a maximum of two or three months?? I just don't know. I think that sex in essential to sustaining intimacy, and that without sex, intimacy will eventually wane, and then die.

So what about sex after adultery? Women think all the time. I know this really well! Sex doesn't turn off the female brain the way it does with men (or seems to). So if your husband has cheated, how do you restart your sex life, and start the reconciliation process, when you are grossed out even looking at him?? I get asked this a lot, because H and I have had very few lulls in our sex drive, even right after I discovered his addiction. Honestly, I never used to see sex as a holy thing, or something that should/could be done with prayer; but in the past year, my prayer life has moved to the bedroom in a powerful way. I can't even count how many times I have had to pray for the strength to engage myself "in the moment" and not just lie there and feel used and abused. There have been many times when I have approached him sexually, and have been "hot n ready," but when it has come right down to the act of sex, my mind has gone straight to his addiction. "Did he do this with someone else?" is probably the most common thing that Satan revels in bringing to the addict's wife's mind. And this is true outside of the bedroom too. Actually, whenever we are really enjoying, or attempting to enjoy, each other, Satan brings similar thoughts to mind. "Did he laugh like this with her?" "Did he take her here?" "I didn't see that movie with him, who did he see it with!?"

Satan doesn't want us to come together sexually, because he doesn't want us to be married. In these moments of testing I have to realize who my enemy is, and then pray accordingly. So, for those of you who have asked, that's the best advice I can muster.

Happy Belated Easter!

I hope that everyone had a great Easter weekend! It was so cold here, it hardly felt like Easter. H and his little brother were singing, "It's beginning to look a lot like Easter," and "I'm dreaming of a white Easter," all the way to church.

Yes, his little brother was with us at church!! Actually, his little brother, his older brother, and his older brother's wife all went with us to see our church's passion play. Then both of his brothers took a Bible on the way out, signifying that they had made a commitment to the Lord. We're so excited to see what the Lord is going to do with this!

I had a great weekend, but I didn't even pick up a book until today (to study for my grant writing) and now I'm feeling inadequate, and overwhelmed again. I talk to H about it, and he says, "I have so much faith in you, I know you can do this." That's so great to hear, but what if he's wrong!?

I wish I could just do this for a living! I love talking women off the ledge, and helping them see hope for a restored marriage (or a restored single life). So keep your e-mails coming! I think that someday I will have a ministry in this area. But, in the meantime, something has to pay the bills. Right now it looks like the Lord is providing for us by offering me grant writing jobs. But why can't He give me something easier!? Working on this my marriage, and taking care of my four babies is enough of a job, isn't it!? Why can't I get paid to do that?:)