The Wife of an Addict

No, no saint?

My new friend Jen, author of the inspiring blog, "Et, Tu?", has been sent by God to lift my self-esteem!;) For the second or third time since we "met" in early May she has referred to me, in a comment, as as "saint-like";). OK, so those of you who know me personally are probably laughing now. Hey, it's not THAT funny!

Anyway, when someone calls me a saint, my first response is always to brush it off, and say, "No, not me, I'm no saint!" But wait a minute, yes I am! I have been sanctified by the blood of the Lamb. And I certainly want to be able to claim the following for my life:

"Love the LORD, all his saints! The LORD preserves the faithful, but the proud he pays back in full." Psalm 31:23

"Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing." Psalm 34:9

"I will listen to what God the LORD will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints— but let them not return to folly." Psalm 85:8

So, praise the Lord, you saints of His!!;)

A Shameless Plug

Most of the fights Hubby and I have been engaging in lately are financially based (I know, join the club, right?!). While this may be an excellent sign that we are slowly creeping past our bigger issues, we are still not strong enough to stand up under this kind of pressure. We're not arguing over how the money is being spent, as their isn't any to "blow" on anything. But, we are arguing more often due to the constant tension. An angry creditor's phone call, or the arrival of an impossible bill, can ruin us for days. We're closer to being debt free than we have been in months, but it still seems so far away, AND impossible now that my mother-in-law is charging us $200 a week in rent (yes, I said a week).

I need to bring in money by way of something I already do well (as opposed to something I have to spend time learning how to do). My mind continues to go back to tutoring, even though I do not have a teaching degree, and suffer from a low self-esteem. I love tutoring, and more importantly, I'm good at it. I actually do not have a college degree in anything (I was working toward Journalism, but haven't finished as of yet). However, I can make a claim that I feel gives me almost as much credibility in the field. Shortly after high school I began to work on a supplemental creative writing textbook. I wanted to compile something that would, in my mind, help others to catch my joy and passion for writing. And it did! I began tutoring shortly after finishing "Crash Course in Creativity", and received only rave reviews from my students and their parents. It's been about five years now since I've officially taken a student. But, I just finished turning the second edition into an ebook, and I'm very excited about the prospect of getting back into online tutoring.

My current need is for advertisers, and for students. My previous students have all been homeschooled jr. high and high schoolers. As a former homeschooler, and a future homeschooling parent, I feel most comfortable in the niche. I am writing this post in an attempt to persuade homeschooling bloggers to link to my course. If you are interested in doing so, or have any questions on the matter, please drop me an e-mail. Any help you can provide will be greatly appreciated!

An Addict's Wife on Birth Control

I hate writing a really long post, because I'm afraid it won't be read in its entirety. But, that being said, this one will probably be long.;)

For a couple of months now I have been reading a beautiful blog by a former atheist. She is now a Catholic wife and mother, and is a very thoughtful and wise woman. Although there are facets of Catholicism that contradict my faith, and would prohibit my conversion, I have been awed and challenged these past months by her writings, as well as her well-read, and very devout commenters. Growing up a Protestant, I never had the fortune of knowing any "real" Catholics. The ones I did know never went to mass, and had only one or two children. I thought that Catholicism had become a genetic trait, instead of a faith. I am extremely happy to learn, more and more each day, how very wrong my perception was.

I'm finding an issue that still comes up often among devout Catholics is that of birth-control (a topic almost completely swept under the rug by most Protestant denominations today). I want you all to read her absolutely gorgeous post on the matter, and then I will comment (and probably play devil's advocate some) below.

Ready?

I feel that I have an obligation to address this issue as the wife of an addict first, and as a Christian second. Even though, in reality, I am a Christian above all else. You see, from my perspective, Hubby's willingness to saddle me with children, even though at the time we conceived our second set he was planning to divorce me, and was being consistently unfaithful, was the most selfish thing he could do (even more-so than cheating). Being content with bringing forth life CAN come out of total connectedness, and unselfish love, OR it can come out of complete irresponsibility. I was doing so out of the former, while he was doing so out of the latter. In an marriage that is faithful in its entirety, "to implicitly say with every sexual act, 'It's OK with me if we should create a life together with this act.'" is one of the most romantic things I can think of. However, the most romantic thing in the world is to be fully faithful (in body, mind, and spirit), which few couples truly are, but every Christian couple should aim to be.

At this time, we are using spermicides in addition to NFP (I am morally opposed to the abortifacient quality of hormonal birth control). After all, how could I even think about bringing more children into this marriage at this point?! But, I have a deep desire to surrender all to God. Can I ever claim to fully seek this while withholding my womb? I have been losing sleep over this issue these last couple of weeks. Jesus can give me His answer with peace. Satan wants me to feel guilty and condemned. I am praying that Jesus will reveal His heart to me regarding this matter.

For now, I have a couple of thoughts. First of all, the issue of birth control didn't even come on the scene until the 1930s, so it's not surprising that this issue is not explained more fully in Scripture. We know that children are a blessing, and that God is the one who opens and closes the womb, but beyond that, we don't have any clear instruction.

Modern society is so vastly different than society has ever been before. Many difficulties are now presented in having a very large family that did not exist a hundred, even fifty years ago. For example, if we could all farm, we'd actually be better off financially by having a large family (more workers for the family business).

But, regardless of the difficulties presented, I do want to know what, if anything, the Bible has to say on the matter. I realize that those opposed to birth-control often use the story of Tamar and Onan as Biblical proof. Although it is obvious why this story may lead many to the conclusion that God is vehemently opposed to birth control, I actually read something quite different from it (I do acknowledge that there are many other scriptures that may suggest God's desire for us to leave such things to Him however.). Tamar has long since been a hero and of mine, and I long to meet her upon entering heaven. I wish that more information was included on her life, but much can be inferred from what is. First of all, she was in the direct lineage that led to the birth of Jesus. Second, she was deeply loved and heard by God. Lastly, she lived in favor with God.

How many fathers would like to strike down their sons-in-law, just because they are not good enough for their daughters? I know mine would! That is exactly what God did to Tamar's first husband. Er was a wicked man. God could have ended Er's life at any point, but his wickedness seems to have gone virtually unnoticed until his marriage to Tamar. I don't want to be too bold, but it very strongly appears that it was not acceptable to God that Tamar be married to an unrighteous man. Therefore, God killed him.

Er had a younger brother named Onan. According to law, Onan was to marry her, and conceive a child with her. However, the resulting child was to be thought of as Er's child. Onan, for whatever reason, did not want to father another man's child, so, he "spilled his semen on the ground". For this act, God then killed Onan as well. He practiced birth-control, and was killed! However, I truly believe that he was killed for disgracing Tamar, and not for practicing birth-control. If you read the rest of the story, which you should (it's one of the most fascinating stories in the Bible), you'll see that this special relationship between God and Tamar continues throughout her life. Also, I should note that if Onan knew to "pull out", this must have been a somewhat common practice. Yet, I cannot find any example of this being forbidden, or even mentioned, anywhere else in Scripture.

I would rather go the direction of no birth-control than the way of the pill however. This is because of its abortifacient quality of course, but is also because of the damage it has done to society. Again, from the perspective of the wife of a sex addict, it is easy to see how removing the possibility of pregnancy can and does change the meaning of sex, and makes premarital and extra marital sex more attractive. Sex is meant to feel good. If it wasn't, it wouldn't. But it is supposed to be so powerful, so chemically, emotionally, spiritually, and physically amazing, that it bonds two, and only two, people together for the rest of their lives. Of course the act cannot help to be more powerful if the possibility of creating life is attached. However, I have two very dear friends who just returned from their honeymoon. She will never be able to bear him children (because of cancer that resulted in a hysterectomy several years back). I am praying a very powerful sex life for them despite this fact. That might seem an odd thing to pray for, but, sex is the glue that God provided. Christians should all know how to apply it, in the context of marriage. Sex has to be beautiful apart from procreation. If not, marriages would end with menopause. And, of course, spouses should grow closer together, not further apart, with time and age.

In closing I have to add how extremely inspired I am by anyone who can hold to a difficult doctrine, even when the reality of its difficulty sets in. I have quite a few Protestant friends who at one point claimed to be opposed to birth control. Most changed their minds after one child.

A Saturday Post!

A Saturday post is rare occurrence, I know. But I just wanted to take a quick second out of my weekend to thank you all for your prayers! I know that you pray for me, because my cries for help are always met with an abundance of peace. I am doing so much better now than I was after last weekend. I am praying, of course, that it lasts through this weekend. But for now, I'm feeling great, and am looking forward to a wonderful weekend with the family with which God has blessed me!

Praise God for you, and for His Son!

Too cute to sleep with?

A few days ago, I sat and read a Dr. Seuss to my girls while Hubby watched from across the room. He kept commenting on how "cute" I was. On about the third, "You are so good at that! That is sooo cute!" I flashed-back to the beginning of our marriage. We had been married about a week, and were visiting with my brother and sister-in-law in their home. While we were there I read "The Muffin Muncher" to my niece. He grinned from ear to ear while I read, and then when we left he said, "That was too cute, I'm never going to be able to have sex with you again." Then we both laughed.

I'm working on Doug Weiss' Empowerment Exercises 74 - 77 right now. Seventy-seven is called "Sex Talk", and basically it just offers some helpful ways to clean up what may have become "dirty talk" in the bedroom. I've never seen our talk as a problem, although it is definitely not as clean as the suggestions in the book. For example, "I really have more love for you now than ever." "I feel so close to you." "I'm glad I married you." and "I love your eyes." Compared to those lines we sound more like a porn video. We've removed any obviously foul language that had crept its way in, but do we have to sound like the book to be engaging in "healthy sex"? Maybe I was too cute for Hubby to sleep with (his issue not mine)! Maybe he's always seen sex as so dirty, and me as so pure (which is why he wanted to marry me), that he just couldn't mix the two. And when he did, he had to make me dirty in order to rationalize it. I wouldn't have noticed this, because on some level I also saw sex as dirty, and did not see myself as pure.

I guess we're gonna give the "nice talk" a good solid try. I don't want to make anyone stumble, so I won't post any specifics. But is it wrong to keep the talk a little more "fun" than the examples in the book? I mean, I don't want to sleep with Mr. Rogers. Is that my issue? Hubby and I have always had an extremely blessed sex life (or I should say I have always had an extremely blessed sex life). His is getting there now that he's staying sober. I want to have a godly marriage. But I don't want to waste time fixing things that aren't broken. On the other hand, maybe more is broken than I ever knew.

Why isn't he cheating?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, and reading, since my breakdown on Sunday, and here's the rough draft condition of my mind right now: AAAaahh!!!

Hubby is showing absolutely no external sign of being attracted to other women, or that he is seeking out other women (in person or online). When he goes to the store to get a gallon of milk, or a pack of diapers, it takes him the same amount of time it would take me. This is a small but wonderful sign of health and fidelity, and one that I never had in our marriage until these last six months. So why don't I feel better? I don't wonder why I'm not over his betrayal; I'm not even sure that is possible. But I still have moments, even days, where I sink as low as I've ever been. Why is that?

I think it's because, while he isn't cheating now, he's doing nothing to ensure that it will never happen again. He was attending a recovery group on a weekly basis, and they would get onto him if he wasn't doing enough work, but he hasn't found a group here yet (For those of you who are new, we are now living with my mother-in-law, an hour away from our old town.). Actually, there don't seem to be any "men only" groups here that would fit into a normal work schedule!!

So, after the sad view of our condition that I got on Sunday, I decided to take a friend up on her offer, and go and live with her for a couple of months. I was actually going to blog about this yesterday. I just didn't know what else to do. I can't nag him about his recovery work, that just interferes with my recovery.

I had finally worked up the nerve to talk to him last night. But when he walked in from work, the first thing he asked me was if I has seen his group phone list. He said that he knew he needed to get more serious, and asked if I would do some research online to try and find him a local group. I guess that is my answer! I burst into tears and told him about my plan anyway. He was shocked, and we had a really good talk. I told him that I just didn't understand why he wasn't cheating now, if it was so unavoidable before. He seemed to really feel for me, and to understand where I was coming from. He said he still struggles, but that he just sees everything differently than he did before. Satan was giving him so many reasons to justify his actions, and now he understands spiritual warfare a lot better. He's learning to rebuke the booming voice, and focus on the still, small one. Anyway, that's where we are. We're still struggling, but we're hanging in there. For those of you who are still struggling, still crying, still screaming, yep, I understand.

A Lack of Fiber and PTSD

I'm going to move my husband's recovery materials into the bathroom, and sneak more fiber into his diet. The great length of time he spends on his porcelain throne is not a new problem (actually, I bought him a bottle of fiber pills over a year ago, he just never did take them). But, his colon is now causing problems for more than just him, and that is what brings me here today.

Right before getting help, and admitting his addiction to himself and to me, Hubby's behavior became extremely unpredictable. He would call on his way home, say he was ten minutes away, and then completely disappear for hours. On one particular occasion this happened when we were supposed to be having dinner with family. I remember being so embarrassed, and so scared, that I could do nothing but cry and stare out the window (I eventually passed out from sheer exhaustion). Of course this was after I called to cancel our plans in my "happy voice".

Last Sunday I planned a picnic with friends and family for Father's Day (we were in town for church). We all arrived at the park on time, but then realized that we had forgotten the water bottles at our friends' apartment (just four or five minutes away). Hubby borrowed their keys (trapping them at the park until he returned), and went to grab the water. He was gone for almost forty-five minutes! To intensify the situation, I had also forgotten the rice (we were having rice and bean burritos); but, no one could go and get it because Hubby had the keys. No one could start eating until he was back!

After he had been "missing" for about ten minutes, I walked away from the picnic table to let my girls play on the playground. I have to admit now that I was nervous almost instantly, but I didn't want anyone to know (I'm supposed to be past that!). I thought he'd be right back, and I would just skip happily to the table when he returned. But the minutes passed slowly, and he was nowhere to be found. Did he get pulled over for speeding? Did he run into someone he knew (almost impossible w/o effort, because we were all the way on the North end of town)? I held back the tears, but spent the last twenty minutes in agonizing stomach pain. I was barely able to stand as I pushed my girls on the swings. A man approached me almost as soon as I walked away from my friends; but, as uncomfortable as he made me, I was not about to go back over to the picnic table. I knew that everyone would be able to see the fear and embarrassment in my eyes. I knew they were judging me for being betrayed again (even though they probably weren't).

When Hubby finally pulled up I asked my brother to watch the girls. Then, I ran across the park, full speed and in my bare-feet, to confront him. Let me just say, the Holy Spirit was nowhere to be found in my choice of words, in my tone, or in my angry actions. As I relive the incident in my mind, I am ashamed. He quickly explained that he had been in the bathroom. As soon as he said the words, I remembered that the Holy Spirit had tried to tell me that before I even walked away from the picnic table. I guess I chose to be angry, again. If I had been home alone I probably would have handled myself much better. But I couldn't think at all, let alone think clearly. I felt everyone's eyes on me. My pride got the better of me. Having your friends and family know that your husband is/has been attracted to other women is the most humbling, humiliating experience, especially for someone who has always prided herself on her femininity and attractiveness. This is the pain I live with; I'm sometimes afraid that it will haunt me forever. I guess he does not understand that. Is it too much for me to expect him to think of my feelings before anything else, even before necessary bodily functions? Maybe so. If, at the end of my life, I am left with any pride, it will be amazing. I guess that is the plus of all this, right?!

Please continue to pray for me. I am so physically exhausted lately that I would not hesitate to check myself into the hospital if we had health insurance. I think it's mostly extreme dehydration. I try very hard to hydrate, but it seems like I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm praying about whether or not I should stop nursing. Please pray that God will give me wisdom.

Thank you Mr. Anderson

Hubby and I took the kids to hear a set of Jared Anderson's "lamp music" on Saturday night. We had such a great time. Jared and his beautiful wife Megan [Mee-gan] have become very dear friends of ours over this past year. But, before we'd even met, Jared was used by God to save my life. He is a very talented worship leader and song writer. His song, Hiding Place, which is on his newest CD (released by Integrity Music), is what I would like to set as the background to this blog, if it ever becomes available for such uses.

It was the weekend between coming home to find a stripper in my bed, and our first Heart to Heart counseling session, that I first heard Jared's then new, dance till you can't sing anymore, song, Counting on God. He wasn't even ready to play it yet, but the pastor had heard him practicing it, and made a special request. What if God had not prompted him to do that? What if Jared had not submitted to the pastor?

"Joy unspeakable that won't go away. Just enough strength to live for today. I never have to worry what tomorrow will bring. My faith is on solid rock. I am counting on God."

Until that moment, I had never been ministered to so completely by a stranger. Did God have Jared write that song just to fill my heart with joy and strength, and prove to me that my life was worth living, if I would just remember that the only one who I had ever been able to count on was still there in his unchanging faithfulness? I like to think so.

As far as I know, Counting on God hasn't been recorded; so, I can't share it with you yet. But here are another two of Jared's that are both extremely powerful.

A month or two later, during my separation from Hubby, it was Casting Crowns that kept me from running my car into oncoming traffic. I kept the radio on all the time, and it seemed that every time I snapped, or was about to snap, Praise You in This Storm would begin to play. I would wander back to the girls' bedroom (where I kept the radio), lower my large pregnant self to the floor, and just lie flat on my back, completely motionless, until it was over. I have seen the first few lines posted on a number of recovery blogs, so I can't pretend it was written solely for me. It is extremely special to me none-the-less.

When I listen to the words of a powerful song, especially one as convicting and life-saving as Praise You in This Storm, I think, "What if they had just journaled that!?" If we don't share our pain, and the healing from that pain, with others, we are left with hearts that hold only tiny little jars of perfume. While they are pretty, and they smell sweet, they will never fragrance anyone else's lives. As hard as it is to open ourselves to others, when we do, the aroma of our lives has the ability to do more good than we could ever hope or dream. And, through the miracle of God's grace, we are left with more to pour out than if we had stored it all to ourselves. That is why I blog instead of just journaling in my private diary. I pray that someday, someone will be as blessed by my perfume as I have been by Jared and Casting Crowns'.

Spiritual Warfare

I've always believed that being physically sick, or extremely tired, if not specifically caused by demonic attack, makes one more susceptible to demonic activity. Have any of you experienced this in your own lives? If this is true, I am, and have been, a prime target for Satan's vengeance over these last few years.

When I ask a question, as I did here, I'm asking it to myself as much as to anyone else. See, I'm puzzled by an unavoidable problem in my conclusion. If Satan is merely a tool of God, then what is spiritual warfare? Obviously (or in my mind it is obvious), demons and angels are continually at war. However, Jesus claimed to have ALL authority, and we clearly see that God himself used Job's righteousness to tempt Satan. And, that He allowed Satan to test him.

I really hope that you will all comment on this post. Just when I think I have a firmly settled doctrine, on a [non-foundational] theological issue, I find a little hole. So here's what I want to know: In your opinion, does Satan have free reign, no freedom, or is it somehow both? I'd love scriptural and experiential examples if you have them!

I have a few other posts that I'm working on, but in case I don't actually sit down to write until Monday, have a great weekend!

More from yesterday

OK, as I mentioned before, yesterday was terrible. I just did not have the emotional capacity to properly care for my children. But, just when I thought I was going to lose it, Hubby returned home from a short day at work. Praise the Lord, prayer works! Also, regarding yesterday's question, I believe that the predominant source of my troubles was the natural, fallen world; specifically, it was, and is today, the cycles of the moon!;)