The Wife of an Addict

Okie Dokie...

It took longer than I thought, but I'm officially over at Blogger now!

http://poured.blogspot.com/

Update your bookmarks and links! This site will only be up for a few more days.

My e-mail address will stay the same:

thewifeofanaddict@yahoo.com

See you at the new site!

Pure Online

The phrase "pure online" almost seems like an oxymoron to me. I have to admit that when sex-addicts, recovering or not, find my site, I often think, "What are you doing online?!". I am very grateful my husband has chosen to "flee youthful lusts" (flee before the fight wherever possible), and does not have a career that requires him to be near a computer.

That being said, there are so many wonderful resources, and communities of believers, online, and it would be wonderful if the internet was a safer place. I would be very supportive if Hubby decided to install a good filter/accountability software, so he could feel more comfortable taking advantage of these things, but that's his decision to make.

The ministry site, Pure Online, is one that I visited awhile back, but recently returned to at the prompting of a reader. She thought I would find their ministry inspiring, and I did. Pure Online is not at all the only sex addiction ministry on the internet, but it does offer some solid resources that I thought I'd point out to any of you who are looking for structured help in your recovery processes.

My reader directed me to their wives page which contains a video message from the beautiful Renee Crosse, wife of Clay Crosse, that really puts the reader at ease. Below Renee's message are the wives' FAQs, and I am in full support of the way Pure Online chooses to answer them. For example:

Am I to blame?

If you are like most women in your shoes, your husband was probably struggling with sexual sin long before he met you. It most likely began in childhood or adolescence, growing day-by-day and over the years, securing an unyielding grip on his life.

And my personal favorite because it is so applicable to our testimony:

Can I force my husband get help?

Very often, the one thing that gets a man into recovery is the urging (and sometimes the ultimatum) of his wife. While it is best for the man to decide on his own to get help, sometimes it just doesn’t happen this way. We (Pure Online) believe that God can use all kinds of circumstances to bring a man into right relationship with Himself - including (especially) the influence of his wife.

I did a little surfing of their entire site today, and I want to also draw attention to their single addicts' ministry. I am fully aware that not everyone who struggles is married, and not every married addict will have the fortune of remaining married. Ministry to the single sex addict is vital, and somewhat lacking. Pure Online seems to handle it beautifully, and if you are single, I would highly recommend taking advantage of the professional resources they provide.

In addition to their wives' ministry page, and their single men's workshop, they also offer online workshops for married men and single women. Their contributors are well known in the world of sex-addiction ministry, and include such names as:

Craig Gross (Pastor, Author, founder, XXXChurch.com)
Mike Holmes (licensed counselor and family life pastor)
Liz Casteel (licensed counselor and president, Nikao Counseling Center)
Clay Crosse (Christian recording artist and speaker)
Brandon Cotter (Founder/CEO Pure Online)
Jake Larson (speaker, teaching pastor)
Jason Harper (speaker, director of outreach, Capital Christian Center)
Kenny Luck (President Every Man Ministries, Minister to Men, Saddleback Church)

This is not a paid endorsement, but I came away from their site with such a good impression, that I felt I should pass it on. I hope that you will benefit, and will stay pure online.

An Update and Some Ramblings

First, about the move, it's not happening until NEXT weekend. Hubby was able to secure a less expensive apartment where we can stay until we find something more permanent; but, it's not available quite yet. The fact that we have a place at all is great news, but the tiny apartment comes with a lot of downsides. Neither Hubby or I feel that this is the place God has for us, but it is the only real/affordable option right now. Please pray that God will continue to lead us.

Second, this blog passed 10,000 page views earlier this week, proving that someone out there is still caring enough to read. Thank you!

Lastly, when you tell someone to meditate on a particular passage of scripture, make sure you give the right reference! Hubby thought I should dwell on Matthew 11:28-30, but mistakenly recommended Matthew 12:28-30. Big mistake!;)

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Hey! At Least I Got Out of the Boat!

For a few minutes before bed last night, Hubby read to me out of the book of Matthew. When he got to the part about Jesus (and then Peter) walking on the water, we paused, and had a pretty interesting discussion.

The first thing that stood out to me was chapter fourteen, verses thirteen and fourteen. I'm adopting these as "the Mommy passage".

"When Jesus heard what had happened [the murder of John the Baptist], he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick."

It comforts me to know that my Savior also wished to withdraw from the world when faced with extreme sadness. Just as comforting might be the fact that this solitude was not always possible, not even for my Lord.

But, I digress, the passage we spent time discussing are verses twenty-seven through thirty-one.

"But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

From Hubby's perspective, we should never need to cry out, "Lord, save me!" Not that we never should, but he feels that doing so implies a level of doubt. If we are truly trusting God, we should rest easy in the knowledge that he has everything under control, and we are not responsible for reminding him to do anything. Of course, Hubby agrees that prayer is essential to the Christian walk, but maybe the panicked out-cry is not. I don't know. I came away from the passage with something much more self-centered.

Jesus rebuked the only one who had enough faith to get out of the boat! No, "Atta-boy Peter! Good effort!"

Amidst the revelation of the storm that was my husband's addiction, I so clearly heard the voice of my Lord, calling to me, and commanding me to take courage. I obeyed. With tremendous peace, I stepped out of the boat and began to walk in faith, trusting God to work a miracle. Now, and many times since that initial moment of obedience, I have begun to sink. I cry out to God, and he is faithful. But then comes the rebuke.

Doesn't God know how hard this journey is? Doesn't he know how much he is asking from me. Aren't I doing the best that I can? I mean, hey, at least I got out of the boat! Doesn't that count for anything?

My Husband

Last night Hubby urged me to spend some time in the Word, knowing that I have been having an especially difficult time, and am probably neglecting the things that would help most. I cringed. Not just because I wanted to be a whiny baby, and didn't want to let my Father comfort me (although that is true), but because Hubby was trying to guide my spiritual walk. When we were first married, and up to the point I found out about his addiction, I would have given one of my toes for him to be a spiritual leader (I would never give my right arm, I'm too practical and too vain for that!). But now, well how do you trust someone to lead you when they've been so incredibly untrustworthy? I know that submitting to a husband (as unto the Lord) has absolutely nothing to do with trusting the man, but is an expression of love for God; but, I'm not feeling that way at the moment.

"OK, I'm going to read for awhile before bed." he said when trying to let me go last night. "Will you please spend some time in the Word too?"

"Fine."

"Promise?"

"No."

"Please."

"Why don't you read to me?" I said, really turning up the test. I have asked him to read the Word to me for the past four years, and he has NEVER agreed. He doesn't think he reads well out-loud.

"OK." he said. And he immediately began to read.

So, it appears as if I now have a husband, the kind of man I always wanted. This brings shooting to the surface, like a beach ball trapped at the bottom of a pool, all of my insecurities about the health and future of this marriage. Maybe I've been leaving myself an out without even knowing it. Just how many feelings can you hide at a sub-conscious level, I wonder?

A Strange Request

***UPDATED***

Lord willing, we'll be moving this weekend. We found an extremely overpriced cabin where we can live for the next two months while we continue to look for something more permanent. I'm feeling weak and faithless right now. Even as I write those words I feel sick and disappointed in myself. The Lord is doing amazing things in Hubby's life. He loves his job, has bonded with some very strong Christian men, and was singled out by a guest pastor yesterday morning who prophesied over him. I think this time away from us has been good for him. For us, not so much. I feel like I'm treading water, and am now very near drowning. I miss him, I think, but I haven't even had much time to decide. I finally reached out for help and called my mom. She's here now, and will stay to help with the kids until I finish packing.

Here is my honest prayer for the day:

"Lord, my heart still longs for you. I love you with my soul, but my mind is full of doubt over your love for me. You have been so good to us, and I trust that you will continue to be. I believe that you are good. Please forgive my unbelief. Right now, I AM SO MAD AT YOU!"

What Defines 'Beautiful'?

Men from different cultures define beauty in a variety of outward ways. Man-made deformities such as binded feet, stretched necks, body piercing, and breast implants are all beauty enhancers in one or more parts of the world.

How little girls define beauty will be predominantly influenced by their fathers, but I believe that a strong mother can also guide in this process. Women, once they have attained emotional independence, define beauty (in others) by looking at the whole person. And, to a large extent, internal beauty can be seen at first glace, despite what men may think.

That last line may seem to imply that I don't have much respect for male intelligence. This couldn't be further from the truth; but I do think they are a little slower where emotional depth is involved. Because men are more visual than women, they tend to overlook, at least at first, what lies beneath.

I want to note that modern women have become so determined to be like men, that they are actually contorting their souls toward very unnatural visual lusts. Do not do this! When a woman sets aside even a small percentage of her femininity, she sacrifices so much of her womanly soul. In the words of Anne, "Oh Marilla, how much you miss!"

Dictionary.com defines beautiful as, "having the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest)."

I grew up with the curse and blessing that is outward physical beauty. It would be a lie not to admit how much I enjoyed this. I have fond memories of being sought after, fought over, and praised. However, even for those who are much more attractive than I ever was, physical beauty will eventually fade.

I have been dieting this week, and I find that I check the mirror much more often when I am dieting. When I eat a hardboiled egg for breakfast, instead of the pancakes I made for this kids, I usually run into the bathroom to examine my stomach. "Is it smaller yet?! No?! Damn!" Last night I stood in front of the mirror examining my flaws (Men, you haven't a clue just how often we do this.). Working from top to bottom, the first spot I critique is my eyes. I sit on the counter to get as close to the mirror as I can; then, I search for new wrinkles (which I almost always find). Next, I spend a few seconds patting my ever drooping jaw line with the backside of my left hand. On to my breasts and stomach, which make me sigh and stare in horror. I usually end up doing a manual tummy tuck by pinching the skin around my middle. I look at the result and think, "Yeah, now where are those scissors!?". Little stretch marks travel all the way to my thighs. I follow them down, very near tears at this point, and then abruptly say something like, "Grrrr....Get over it! What's done is done! Stop moping and grow up!"

Last night my reaction was a little different. My flaws don't seem to be going away. In fact, they are only growing more obvious, along with my disdain for them. So, instead of once again crying in my cheap wine, I tried to see the beauty behind my imperfections.

The skin around my eyes is beginning to wrinkle because I have spent so much of my life laughing. Would I rather be wrinkle free and sullen? No. My drooping jaw line is thanks to hours and hours of nursing babies, all the while tenderly gazing down at them. Now I imagine God the Father to have quite a droop too! My breasts, yeah, I've nursed twins twice! To quote Deborah Barone of Everybody Loves Raymond, "These were working breasts!" My stomach, well, that will always be a difficult roadblock for me. But, it housed four babies in two years. It's a pretty amazing belly!

I may never fully see these things as beautiful in myself, but I think my husband should. I have a beautiful soul, and a beautiful heart. I want to be seen as outwardly beautiful, but because of the inward qualities I possess, not apart from them. These things I can improve upon daily. It is only with this outlook that I can look forward to old age, and growing more beautiful everyday.

But Still, He is Good

I may not be in the best frame of mind today, but God is still on the throne. And now, I know that my readers pray!

Yesterday I wrote, "We know, from what others in the area are being payed, that it's not going to be much at first (please pray that his boss will have some mercy in this area)."

I've just received some great news from Hubby! His boss decided to start him out at what he was making here! This is $4-6 an hour more than we were expecting. We always have to budget, but we were anticipating a rice, beans, and food stamps diet. It seems we underestimated God again! We are so relieved, and so thankful.

Still no success on the housing front. Can I ask for more prayer?;)

Today I Feel...

Resentful.

Today I feel resentful because Hubby is in the mountains, visiting friends, working outside, and sleeping soundly in the knowledge that he is in a safe place with people who are going to help him grow. These are all things I want for him, they're just things I want for me too!

Also, we're moving to the mountains because he's allowed this stupid addiction to kick his a@#! We're not moving for me, not for my benefit. Maybe I'd want to move there for me, but I haven't even had the time to think about that. We're moving because Hubby wants to be faithful to me, but can't if removed from accountability, and faced with the slightest temptation. What?!

Even as I type this, even through all of this anger, I can see the hypocrisy in my misunderstanding. I want to stop yelling at my kids, but still I fail. I want to stop eating sugar...FAIL.

I've decided that I'm struggling this week because I'm reliving our separation. I was pregnant then, and tried so hard to keep myself calm. In truth, I had never been so scared in my whole life. I was about to give birth alone, and have four babies to take care of by myself. I didn't think he was coming back. I didn't think I could ever let him come back. I slept in the middle of the bed.

An Update: A BIG Praise and More Needs

I just wanted to let everyone know that Hubby got the job! He started working right away, and didn't even interview. We know, from what others in the area are being payed, that it's not going to be much at first (please pray that his boss will have some mercy in this area). But, there will be less than one week's break between paychecks, which is a major praise!

Hubby went to look at a cabin, in a neighboring town, last night. I haven't heard back yet about its size. The town is NOT where we want to be, but the price is right, and we're getting pretty desperate. Please pray that we won't make an unwise decision because we are anxious to be back together.

Also, even if the cabin works, he will probably have to work a few more weeks before he earns enough to move us. Pray for patience. Pray for peace and rest. Pray.

P.S. Some of you are kind enough to let me know how I can be praying for your needs as well. I am always honored by this! I love being included in your needs and your praises.