The Wife of an Addict

Getting Back in the Game!

This is what I wrote when I woke up on Saturday morning:

"OK, I'm through! I've been angry all week, and thus, miserable all week. Something very deeply rooted has caused me to surrender to the Enemy this week. I know I'm being triggered by feeling left out, and trapped with the kids, but that isn't an excuse to let Satan and his minions beat on me (and by extension my family). It just really struck me this morning that we're almost at the one-year anniversary of my dd (the day I discovered for 100% certain how deep my husband's sex addiction went). But look how far we've come in a year! Sure, I wish it was further, but I'm truly grateful as well."

I end there, because as I reached the close of my last sentence, around 11:15 in the morning, housekeeping knocked at the door. We were still staying in the World Prayer Conference Center hotel room, because hubby's help was needed on the set of the Easter production. Anyway, I asked H if he would get the door, and ask for trash bags and towels. He did, but they responded by saying, "Your check-out time was fifteen minutes ago." It was a misunderstanding, as we were originally told that we could stay through Saturday night. Nevertheless, it was not fixable; because by that point all of the rooms had been booked! While H went downstairs to try and fix the problem, I frantically packed the room. I was still in my PJs, and had been on my way to get a shower. No such luck! So, while H had to leave in the church work truck, and drive forty-five minutes away to pick up the livestock for the production, I sat in the parking lot in our minivan, in my pajamas, with all our stuff and four crying babies. And I cried and cried. I just felt so defeated, cast-out, and worthless. There was NO ROOM for me, yet again. I was also so angry, because I had woken up with such a good attitude! It had only budded though, and had yet to bloom. If only it had time to bloom, maybe I would have handled the whole situation better. There's a lesson in all of this!!;)

I've had time to process, and I'm fine now, and am back to my original aim. I'm also fasting, as part of a nationwide partner's fast that is lasting until Easter. Join me, won't you! Man I'm hungry!;)

Terrible and Pretty Cool

Last night, when I told this story to a girlfriend of mine, I asked her if she'd "like to hear about something cool and gross." :)

Anyway, H and I were at church on Sunday night, sitting where we usually sit in the evening service...all the way down at the front, on the far right-hand side. We like being close to the front, but since the far sides are never very crowded, we don't feel like we (our babies) are disturbing anyone.

It's a pretty common thing to see dancers, and people kneeling to pray, around us, because there is a lot of open floor space off to the side of the platform. So, there was a young red-headed ballerina dancing there on Sunday night. I used to dance in church, so I know that it is often done purely out of worship. With this as my reference point, I was blessed to see her out of the corner of my eye. During the offering, I leaned over to H and said, "I used to do that." My inference was that I missed having that kind of skill, as well as the courage to stand up in view of everyone. He looked at me with a kind of scowl, and said, "You used to dance like that?" Puzzled as to what he meant, I didn't answer. "She's just trying to get attention." he said. I was frustrated, because I know that this is a common misconception. He could tell that I was annoyed, but just kept going. "She's not worshiping. I can tell......"

When worship was over, she passed by us to walk to the back of the auditorium. H was facing forward, but I watched her to see if she looked like the worshipful spirit I had credited her as being. As she passed, she looked seductively at H to see if he had noticed her, and then gave me the coldest glance I have ever seen. I was stunned. H sensed the change in my mood, and whispered, "Are you mad at me?" "Why?" I asked, wondering if he thought he had in some way invited the attention. "For being critical of her dancing?" he said.

"NO!" I whispered. "Not at all."

"What's wrong?"

"I was soo wrong. She has the Jezebel Spirit on her. I just saw it." (Doug Weiss believes that sexually addicted men are being drawn to women who are inhabited by/oppressed by the Spirit of Jezebel, and I have come to agree 100%.)

"Really!"

"Yes, I cannot believe I was so wrong." I said.

So the terrible part is obvious; one more woman going to church to meet and corrupt godly, or potentially godly, men. But the cool part is that H wasn't tricked by her, AND I WAS! Why am I excited that I was tricked? Well, because I saw an attractive women, parading herself in view of my husband, and I wasn't judgmental, or jealous!

Yea for me!:)

The Pressure Is On!

Well, my mil and I have worked through everything, which is a huge weight off my shoulders. I have truly desired to be a good witness to her through all of this, and couldn't stand that something so small was threatening to come between us. We sent a couple e-mails back and forth, but my title to this post is referring to what I told her in the last one that I sent.

Anyway, H and I are trusting God to save our family. And because we believe that He desires to use us to someday minister to other marriages who are being broken because of sex addiction, we trust that He will provide a way for us to heal. We also believe in demonic forces however, and believe that because we will be used to further the Kingdom of God, Satan has reason to come against us with all his resources (which are numerous). So we're praying hard, and seeking God as to how we can remove temptation from H's path. The answer we keep hearing is just, "Stay close to each other." We really believe that it is God's plan for H and I to never again hold traditional jobs outside the home. Do we have the faith to walk this out?? We'll see. I am excited to bring some money in for my family. I've lived the past two years feeling like I had lost my brain!:) It's good to feel like I'm worth something again. We are both looking for ways we can use our talents from home to serve God, and earn a living. If you've never seen a real life miracle, just watch what God does in our family over these next few months. I know that is a huge statement, but by faith, I truly believe it! All that is just to say, don't worry about the house! If the time comes for you to sell it, before we have moved on, God will provide some other place for us. I have no doubt about this.

I felt so inspired while writing all of that to her, but since then, have had a few freak-out moments. I suppose that is just the attack I was warning of, because as I reread it now, I feel excited again!

Did I tell you he said he was selfish?!!

I can't remember what day it was now, but it was sometime last week. H and I were sitting in the car talking about his mom. I was telling him that I had been frustrated with her for not volunteering to help me that morning, while I was raced to get everyone ready. He said, "Well, my mom is lazy and selfish." I was stunned. I didn't know what to say, and even if I agreed or not. Then he said, "I didn't notice it, until I realized that I was lazy and selfish." Don't worry I didn't say, "D*** straight! I'm so glad we're finally on the same page!! Woo hoo. Hallelujah!" I might have thought it, just a little bit, but I didn't say a word. I think the look on my face probably said something like, "Who are you, and what have you done with the husband that I never wanted?"

With all my heart...

H just came up behind me and gave me "the Spiderman kiss," and my heart is literally beating a little faster now. I didn't know that could still happen! Who knew!?

It's been another pretty good day. H got a phone call today from a guys that hasn't been the best influence. He asked me if he should answer it or not, and I said that he should. I guess I was a little curious to see if they could find anything to talk about now, and with me within earshot. H talked a lot about me and the kids, and said that he and I were "doing really good." This guy called, I gathered, to offer h a new job (h has done some work for him before). H told him that he wasn't looking for work right now. He said that he was just helping with the kids while I got some projects started, enjoying his family, and doing his recovery work. I thought that this was a really positive reaffirmation that I'm not the one making all this happen. So that was good to hear.

Speaking of my "projects". Of everything I'm working on right now, this blog is my favorite. I'm healing and processing so much more quickly now than I was before I started writing down my day-to-day. Tonight, while I was doing the dishes, something triggered the memory of my worst moment, and I started to (in my head) have the conversation that I wished I could have had at the time. I had left h for a week, and came home to find him and a stripper, passed-out, high on Ecstasy and cocaine, in my bed. I made him get out of bed and move to the couch, and then I sat down in the chair beside him and read John Bevere's Drawing Near, while she slept it off in the next room. I started to go to that angry place tonight, thinking of how I had handled everything right, and had been so much the bigger person, and wishing that I hadn't. But this time, instead of fantasizing about throwing her out into the street, and all the things I usually begin to imagine upon revisiting that moment, I caught myself, and started to pray. I know a little bit about her life, and I wouldn't trade my pain and loneliness with hers for one second. I used to "pray" that she would feel my pain. And I do think that she should come to a place where she can hold herself accountable. But first, she has to meet Jesus. And so I said a quick prayer for her while I was at it.

I pray for all of you too. I'm getting to know a few of you, and I love that! I pray that some measure of truth, grace, and beauty is shinning through my life at this, the lowest point. And that you are seeing Jesus. To the addicts who are here reading, to the ones who have harmed my marriage, and to the ones who have harmed others', if you are ever in need of a drink of water, and I have some to offer, I will give it to you freely. All you need do is ask.

Jesus gives me the strength to make this promise, and He'll give me the strength to keep it.

Kiss and tell

Did you know that time actually moves more slowly when you're not having sex!? I'm so serious. I thought it had been days since my last post. But nope, just one. Aaaahhh!!:)

I know it's been less than a week, with more than 80 days still to go, but I really can see some positive things happening already. First, and this is so huge for me, kissing is fun again! This is such a big deal, because I have spent so much time being angry about that fact that I was at home with kids while h was out "dating." The kissing and talking he did with other women hurts me so much more than the sex does. I didn't think there was any way around this hurt, because kissing just isn't as exciting after you have slept with a person; meaning this wasn't something he could make up for without just telling me to go out and cheat. Not that I was never tempted to do that! I used to be a serial dater, and truth be told, my missing that life is another thing that has made me angry at h. I gave up that life (or the "Christian version" of that life), whereas he didn't!

Another good thing, and really interesting thing, that has happened since the start of the fast, actually happened last night. H is reading in Kings, and from time to time he asks me to Google something for him, so that he can understand it better. Last night he asked me to look up Ashtoreth. I did, and read that she is the female counterpart to Baal, and is probably the goddess that Jezebel worshiped. He said he got chills to find out who she was, because when he read her name he got a "really strange feeling." I think that this is awesome, because I've been praying that God would gift him with discernment beyond his knowledge. God really does answer prayer! I know that, but it's good to be reminded in such a neat way!

A Fresh Cup Of Coffee

Well, this may be too much information. But I've just had the last sex I am going to have for the next ninety days. That is a huge deal for me, and of course for h! I had a dream/nightmare that I cheated on h with an old boyfriend because I just couldn't go that long. Many of you probably don't understand why I would still be willing to sleep with h at all. But let me put it this way; he's the only husband I've got!

We kind of mutually approached each other about having one last night together before the fast. And since the last "sex" he had had was him acting out with himself, we felt like this was the right thing to do in order to start out with a pure spirit.

We are taking our cue from Paul, and plan to spend whatever time we would normally spend being sexual with each other, praying together instead. His plan looks pretty good. Ideally, I would have liked it to be a little stricter, but because his addiction has a very strong voice in his life, he was afraid to sign a contract that he might accidentally break, in any small way, lest the addiction tell him that there wasn't a point in continuing. He wrote out, and signed, a contract that states:

No sexual activity of any kind for 90 days, starting Sunday morning, the 25th of February, 2007.

A minimum of 4 meetings a week (I suggested that this can include phone calls to sponsor that last more than 20 min.)

A minimum of 14 hours of recovery work a week (excluding calls/meetings/church).

Prayer/Bible study with wife everyday.

I'm posting this here, so that all you prayer warriors will be clued in on what his struggles are going to be. Please pray that we will get along in a way that is supernatural! We always fight more when we are not being sexual with each other.

He's been watching the Lord of the Rings movies this week, and I am speaking out in faith that he is going to be like Theoden, king of Rohan, after Gandalf comes to him and forcefully casts out Saruman. Gandalf then tells him to "Breathe the free air again". Praise the Lord!

Theoden's entire kingdom had fallen under a shadow because of Theoden's oppression. He had turned against his family. He could no longer distinguish good from evil. He did not look like himself, and his body was weakened. Saruman had begun to speak through him. ALL of this is evidence of his demonic oppression, and ALL of this is mirrored in my husband. I long for him to breathe the free air, maybe for the first time in his life. And for this shadow to be lifted from my family! I keep getting a picture in my head of this scene, only H is on the throne in place of Theoden!

I'm having a "holy ghost meeting" all by myself right now! Praise the Lord!

90 day fast

We've determined that the demons who have been running my husband's life have a very strong hold on him, and that something drastic needs to be done in order to overpower them.

While the plan we are about to embark on may be no secret to many of the partners and addicts who read this blog, it is new to my husband and me. We are soon to start 90 days of abstinence. You might say we've already started, but we haven't dug our heals in the sand and officially begun yet. H is currently working out a 90 day recovery plan, to ensure his best chance of success. We both feel that an inpatient recovery plan is really what is needed, but that is not something we can feasibly afford right now. Just having h stay home with us seems to be the next best thing, so Lord willing, I don't want him to get a job, apart from recovery work, during this 90 day "fast". In faith, we are trusting God to miraculously provide for us. We both believe that our marriage is meant to be a ministry...beauty for ashes.

If you would, please put a note up on your mirror to remind you to pray for us over the next 90 - 100 days. You will be seeding into the kingdom. I truly believe that. Concurrent to the 90 day fast, we will be doing 100 days to Intimacy, if we can locate a copy. If you have one you could loan us, please let me know.

Feel free to "chat" anytime. Thewifeofanaddict Yahoo! IM

Testimony Time.

I can tell you that I know the Lord, and that I've seen him work miracles out of suffering, but it would be more effective if you could "see" for yourself. Here's the transcription of my testimony, written six years ago, after a long bout with illness.

Intro:  I know what it is to writhe in pain, to feel forgotten, rejected, and abused. I know what it is to be laughed at, to be mocked, to be dismissed. I have carried such heavy weight that I prayed to die. I have cried out in pain, and heard nothing. I have begged for relief and felt nothing. I have been tortured without knowing my crime. Why should I believe that God is love?

When and Why He Heals

What I am presenting to you in this letter is evidence not only that scripture works in our lives, but that we have a personal God. Jesus did not rain the Bible down from heaven and say, "Here, do this." He works with us day to day, He's a counselor; He's patient, He's kind, He's merciful. Sometimes it’s one verse at a time, sometimes it’s a chapter, sometimes it's a book, but it's never just, "Here do this", with God. He's not like some college professors who give an assignment and then leave the rest up to you. The scriptures the Lord worked out in my life, that apply to my testimony of healing are Psalm 37:1-5:

"Fret not thyself because of evil doers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity, for they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb. Trust in the Lord and do good and so shall thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shall be fed. DELIGHT THYSELF ALSO IN THE LORD, AND HE SHALL GIVE THE DESIRES OF THINE HEART. Commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass."

The Lord showed me this scripture about five minutes after speaking a specific word of comfort to my heart. I very clearly heard Him say:

"Now you want what I want, I have given you the prayers to pray, and now I am answering. Do not fear the happiness that is found through my desires being fulfilled in your life. Continue to give yourself to me, and I will continually fill your heart with prayer. Become PLIABLE before me, and I will tell you what to pray."

It is important to note here that I later looked up the words for "Delight thyself" in the Hebrew, and a more accurate translation would be to "Become pliable".

To give the necessary background, before May twenty first of the year two thousand, I had been ill for eight years. I was never able to hold a job, or go to school full time. I suffered from chronic migraines (24-7 headaches), chronic fatigue, fibromalgia, basically every other pain imaginable and eventually severe depression. At the beginning of my illness, the pain worked to bring me closer to the Lord, probably for the first four, maybe even five years. I couldn't really depend on anyone else, at least not as far as being understood. I never knew when I would feel like going to school or going anywhere at all, and so the Lord really became the only One that I knew would be around, on any given day. Because of this, He quickly became my best friend. I would tell people, even matter-of-factly that Jesus was my best friend. I'm not sure I even related to what a typical "best friend" was at that point. During the first years of my illness I held the HOPE that when I moved from Arlington, TX (the big city) to Red River, NM (the middle of nowhere), after high school graduation, my health (suffering allegedly from environmental illness) would greatly improve. In a big way this left me feeling in control of the situation. I chose to suffer for a few years in order to graduate from a really wonderful school. I believe now, but would have avidly denied it then, that my sense of control played a key role in my ability to have a good attitude.

When I moved to the mountains I was a lot better, for about six months, and then started regularly getting sick again. My response towards the Lord was not what it had been before. I was very angry. Some of you may say that that is understandable, but with what the Lord has done for us, that is not understandable. I know that if I hadn't have been brought up the way I was, with a strong Christian family, I would NOT be in the church today. It was the grace of God that He held on to me, but I did everything I could to tell Him that His treatment of me was completely unfair, and that I wanted none of it. I told the Lord, "I've been GOOD, go pick on someone who deserves it!".

About eight months ago, the Lord started to really work on my heart and let me know that I was in trouble. He made it very clear to me that He wasn't going to keep being as patient as He had been; not forever. This shook me up a little bit, not a lot, but a little bit. My health, at this point, was deteriorating rapidly. Honestly, I didn't think then, that I would be alive today. The doctors still couldn't prove to me that there was anything wrong, but the way I felt, worse everyday, I was sure that I was dying.

I had, of course, been to many doctors over the years, but in March of two thousand, I made an appointment to go to a diagnostic center in Temple, Texas. A diagnostic center is equipped with many different types of specialists, all of whom would be at my disposal while I was there. I really didn't have the slightest amount of hope that anyone there would be able to cure me. After all, I had already seen numerous doctors. I went to please my mother and my aunt, and I stayed at the center for five days.

The last day of my visit I was scheduled to see a neurologist. I was the least thrilled about this appointment because I was already seeing an excellent neurologist in Santa Fe, NM. The only reason I didn't skip out on the last day, was by threat of murder from my mother. Anyway, I sat in the neurologist's office, telling him my entire life story as I had been doing all week, when suddenly he looked up at me and said, "You have Analgesic Rebound Syndrome." Basically, he told me that because I had been sick for so long, I had started a terrible cycle with my medications. The long and the short of it- I was killing myself with drugs.

Well I could believe that, I did take more pills than anyone I knew. I was dependent on them to sleep, to wake up, and to deal with the pain while I was awake. He told me very frankly,

‘’I want you to go off of everything you are taking, and I'll give you a simple prescription that you may fill after one month.’’

Well, apart from being cold-hearted and mean, this was also the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. If the pain of a month without pills didn't kill me, I was sure that the withdrawal or the sleep deprivation would. However, for one reason or another, by the time I got outside of the hospital, I had decided to at least try it. I would just take things one day at a time. I had no idea what the Lord had planned for the next few months of my life, nor could I have even imagined.

I awoke the next morning almost pain free, and with a good amount of energy. I decided to not take anything unless I really had to. One day without pills turned into two days without pills. Two days turned into a week, and by the successful end of the first week I was determined to see the month through. I did have withdrawal symptoms, some pretty bad; cold sweats like in the movies, but I never had any trouble during the day. This was wonderful because I was able to lead a normal life during the day. I had temporarily moved back to Texas, and was living with and caring for my grandparents. Everyday was an amazement to me, because a few months before I had not been able to care for myself, let alone two other people. I began attending a church that had been planted by an old home church of mine. I was doing really really well; falling in love with Jesus again. Or, into what I thought was love. It is important for me to remember that I was also feeling well, so my love was not being tested.

I quickly became involved in the college group at my new church, and the first thing they did was talk me into going to One Day. For those of you who have no idea what this is, the Passion Ministries set aside one day in May for college students from all over the world to gather in Memphis, TN; coming together to bless the Lord Jesus. The One Day experience was awesome, I don't think anything could keep me away if they have another one next summer. Although it was completely worth any trouble, the last two weeks before the trip were hard. We, as a group, were attacked from all sides, relationships suffered, people got sick, and I...well, I got a headache. I had a headache from two weeks before One Day till the Sunday drive back from Memphis. I don't mind telling you, because I feel it's important to the story, the extreme lack of character I saw in myself during those two weeks. I was ready to give up, and just "go back to bed". I told the Lord, "This is giving someone what they've ALWAYS wanted, and then taking it away." I was very angry, and really had no desire left to even go to Tennessee. My only reason for going was that friends of mine were going, and I thought it would be fun. However, the night before we left, I realized that this was NOT the heart condition that I needed to be taking with me; wasting this opportunity for an amazing experience. I stayed up all night struggling with the Lord, asking Him mainly to soften my hard heart and let me cry. I was sincere in my request, but was also still very angry with Him. Every once in a while, I would become side-tracked by something I had forgotten to pack, and would get out of bed to pack it. Then I would get back in bed and continue my struggle with the Lord. About four O'clock in the morning I remembered that I had forgotten to pack my new prescriptions, which I had started taking regularly after about two months of "rehab".

"Oh Lord!" I cried, "I almost forgot my prescriptions!" I thought with absolute terror of how awful it would be to go away from home without them, and get stuck in Tennessee, camping, with a migraine. As I frantically raced to pack them, the Lord, for the first time that night, answered back.

"No child," He said, "Get back in bed."

"But Lord, no, you don't understand, (yes I actually said that!) my prescriptions, not my pajamas!"

"I know, get back in bed."

Well, at this I had a terribly sinking feeling. He wasn't telling me to wait until later; He was telling me not to take them with me, period. I was almost positive that I could convince Him otherwise by morning, and began to work out a plan. After about a half-hour of scheming, I was ready to reveal my ingenious strategy.

"I know Lord! I could put them in the bottom of my suitcase. I wouldn't even remember they were there, I swear! Not unless I really needed them. OK?!"

With what I can best describe as sarcasm the Lord said, "Oh Sarah, that act of faith would really bless me."

"Fine" I said, slightly put off, as I rolled out of bed to get in the shower.

By the time I got out of the shower I was in an unexplainably good mood; ear to ear smiles that I couldn't wipe away for anything. Still in pain, but euphorically happy. I walked into my bedroom to wake up three of my friends who had spent the night. Only half way kidding, I looked at them and said, "The Lord told me not to pack my prescriptions. I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to listen to Him or not."

I was definitely hoping they'd say, "Oh no, that wasn't Him, He wouldn't have told you that." But instead they said, "Well, I guess you'd better listen." (The queens of pure mercy, all three of them!)

So, we headed off to Tennessee; full of faith, free of drugs, still in pain but ready to have a really great time. I can't even begin to tell you about all of the wonderful things that happened at One Day. At least not without writing a book instead of a letter. It was awesome, but I still had a headache the whole time, sometimes a pretty severe one.

It was often very difficult for me to function, my vision was impaired by the headaches, and without the luxuries of home, and without my prescriptions, I was physically exhausted. Yet, through all of that, the Lord strengthened me, and I remained spiritually charged, and aware of every blessing around me.

Saturday was the big day, Saturday the twentieth. Over fifty thousand of us showed up to praise the Lord, dance, pray alone, and pray together. Saturday night I took a walk with a friend to regroup, and talk about the day. In response to some unusually prying questions he was asking, I said sternly, "Jeff, if I can't tell the Lord, 'Lord, if I have a headache from now till the day I die I will still serve you. I will still worship you, I will still acknowledge you as my healer. The healer of what it is profitable for you to heal. If I cannot love you through this, then everything you've done in my life is absolutely worthless; vanity!'“

After hearing these words come out of my mouth, I went back to my tent remarkably convicted. I did the one thing that night that scared me to death. I repeated those words I had just said to my friend, only this time as a heart felt prayer to God.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning I woke up with the most terrible headache I had had all week. "Lord!" I cried.

"Did you mean it?" He said.

As we loaded up the vans to leave, I decided that I had meant it, and I tried as best as I could to cope with the pain. Over the course of the eight-hour van ride back to Texas, the pain became progressively worse. A dear sister who was sitting across from me in the seven-passenger van, noticed that I looked pained, and requested to the others that we pray. They were all eager to do so, and this blessed me to no end. I did not however, not in a million years, think that the prayer would work! It's not that I didn't believe in prayer, but prayer was for other people. I had been prayed for so many times, with only temporary or no success. My faith level was zero, but out of habit I lifted my hands and bowed my head. As I sat there listening to their sweet prayers the Lord spoke to me again.

"What do you think you are doing?" He said.

"Lord, they're praying for me!"

"If you don’t believe me, put your hands down!"

So I put my hands in my lap, raised my head, and waited patiently for them to finish. Soon everyone went back to what they had been doing. I put my head in my lap, and agonized. Less than ten minutes later, my sister spoke up and requested prayer for me again. It was then that I heard a voice from the front seat of the van.

"Sarah" a friend’s voice spoke up, "Remember in the Bible when Saul was tormented by demons, and David played the harp for him?"

"Yes." I shook my head slightly.

Then a few minutes later he spoke up again. "Oh! I'm not trying to say that you are being tormented by demons." He said, afraid he had offended me.

"I am!" I said loudly.

"Oh!", he said, realizing he had just heard clearly from the Lord. "Why don't you have Michael (who was sitting next to me holding his guitar) play for you."

Michael agreed, and I gave my consent in obedience to the Lord, even though any noise at that point was going to be very painful. The pain at this point was what I consider to be medically irreversible. I had a migraine, and migraines have to run their course. Michael began to play, spontaneously write and play, the most beautiful worship song I had ever heard. I was completely enraptured. Almost immediately I began hearing accompaniment to Michael, and I thought, "Well that's strange, I thought Michael was writing this right now...He is. What is that sound?"

You can call me a liar all you want, but there was an angel in that van, and he was definitely playing the violin. I play the violin and I know what it sounds like. I have never in my life heard one played with such skill. If I hadn't have been stunned, I would have been weeping. After awhile of listening to the music, I realized that my headache was gone, completely gone. Not five seconds later Michael began to sing, "Seal this, Holy Spirit", over and over again. I was amazed at the power I was witnessing first hand (in my very own life!). As soon as Michael finished playing, I told them, through tears, what had happened. We spent about an hour and a half praising the Lord Jesus, it was the most wonderful experience of my life!

We got back home late, so it didn't take me long to get to sleep, even with all the excitement, and I have to tell you, it was the most wonderful sleep of my life. The next morning I woke up early, and soon after began to get a headache. "Oh no!" I began to complain, but the Lord stopped me.

"No" He said, "Not anymore, you're sealed now."

"Oh yeah!"

Within about a minute of audibly claiming my healing, the headache was completely gone. It worked in the shower, it worked while I was doing laundry, it worked while I was jogging, and praise be to the God of my salvation, it has worked ever since!

"I am healed by the blood of Jesus!

I am healed by the blood of the Lamb!

I am sealed with the Holy Spirit!

I am healed, and I am sealed!"

It is so important to be pliable. If I've taken one lesson away from all of this, it's that. Our lives are not about us; they're about Him, and what He desires to do through us. Let Him mold you and you will never ever regret it! You will always have exactly what you want, because your desires will be His!

And remember, we know He loves us because He was willing to suffer for us. We can not experience any pain that He has not already felt, and knows we can handle.

Don't Tell Me To Be Happy!

For those of you who are actually reading this everyday, first of all, thank you, and second of all, sorry for the long pause. It's been another weird set of days. I am feeling so good this morning though, so I making note of if.

Since the blowout and breakthrough of last week, I've been on a wild ride of emotion. And here's what I'm gleaning this morning. To start, I know my Lord a lot better than I've been giving myself credit. It's good to even write that down, because, with all of the hardship I've been through in my life, I have really learned to humble myself. But I don't want to humble myself to the point of dismissing what He's been teaching me. God knows I don't want to have to learn it over again!!

Next, I don't care if I'm happy. I just want the joy of the Lord (which truly IS my strength by the way). Every time I start to listen to the world, and think about what I deserve....("I was frickin' gorgeous when I met my husband. I was stick skinny, and working as a model. I was smart, and funny, and could have had anyone I wanted"...blah, blah, blah)....you know the train I mean! That is when I'm unhappy. Why torture myself this way!? I can't de-age, de-preggers, or Lord knows "de-flower" myself, and when it comes right down to it, I wouldn't want to anyway. Did I deserve happiness more than the next girl because of how pretty I was? How disgusting is that?! NO! I'm done thinking about what I deserved, or what I deserve today! None of us deserve anything good anyway. Only by the grace of God do we experience any happiness in this fleeting world. Happiness is certainly not what this life is about. JOY...joy that is eternal, that's what I want. I'd be so stupid, with everything I've learned through my suffering, to trade eternal joy in for mere happiness.

So, "What does God want for me NOW?", NOT, "Did He really even tell me to marry h in the first place? I wish I could go back and change things!" That's where my focus needs to be. And when that is truly where it is, I know I'm in the right place. I know I'm learning lessons here that are going to transform the kingdom in the near future. I DO NOT know if h will recover. I DO NOT know if my marriage will last. I DO know that class is still in session. The bell hasn't rung. That gives me hope, which fills me with joy.

So I'm taking my eyes off the raging storm, and the troubled, churning waters, and am fixing them on Jesus. Help me to keep them there. That's what I need.