The Wife of an Addict

Life Without Hubby

I haven't done this in awhile, but I'd like to address the addicts. Not so much the successfully recovering addicts, but the struggling, maybe not yet in recovery, ones.

As most of you know by now, Hubby has left for the mountains. I've just spent the second full day without him. We haven't been apart much since recommitting to our marriage last year, and I miss him terribly.

We have four children, all under two and a half; everyday life in its simplest form is difficult. I need a husband, and not just anyone will do. I need a man who will come in the door smiling, after a hard day of work, and immediately ask me how my day has been. I need a man who will be sympathetic when I break down sobbing, and admit to having lost it with the kids. I need a man who will hold me until I let go. I need a man who will tell me I'm beautiful everyday, and mean it every minute. I need a man who will lead me downstairs to make love to me, for my sake. I need a man who would rather eat PB & J than have me stay up late to pack him a homemade lunch. And I need to be able to ask for these things when I'm not getting them.

Some of you think you've blown it too badly, and that there isn't any point in changing now. Satan speaks to you constantly. "She'll never forgive you. You can never make up for what you have done. You'll never be the man she deserves, so why even try?" These are terrible and destructive lies! All women want to be cherished, to be chosen above every earthly thing. Yes, you have failed to do that. Let's face it, you've failed miserably. But you still have an amazing opportunity for redemption.

A few months ago I sat weeping on the couch, completely overwhelmed with babies, and everything they involve. I was nursing one, holding another, and my toddlers were fighting at my feet. I remember so clearly letting a long, agonizing scream escape inside my head. I began to literally pray that Hubby would instantly walk through the door. I needed help. I needed him. It was close to an hour before he returned. He was covered in cement powder and sweat, and was completely exhausted, but just one look and he could see that I was worse. He looked at me and smiled that sweet knowing smile of his, and I ran to him like a child to her father, collapsing in his warm, sunburned arms. "Thank you." I said. "Thank you for choosing us over your addiction."

Embarrassed, he humbly muttered "You're welcome". He was taken back by my gratitude, but I meant it deeply. I have watched him struggle through piles of shame and guilt and pain. He's failed some, and succeeded more, but it hasn't been easy. He didn't have to make this journey; he had a choice.

Our journey of healing has been incredible, incredibly difficult, incredibly painful, and incredibly worth-it. If you haven't yet decided what to choose, may I suggest the following: choose life, choose your marriage (your current one if you are married, and the one God will bring if you're single).

Choose her, and do so with all of your heart.

Adultery and Murder

It is an obvious truth that we, as Christians, categorize sins. Things like an occasional lie or gossip, greed, lust, or over-eating, are "weaknesses" rather than sin. Adultery, murder, and maybe most of all, homosexuality, are damnable. I've always found it funny that we feel the need to classify sins vs. weaknesses in this way; after all, the Bible never does.

"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

I think we all know quite a few idolaters, greedy business men (and women), and people who love to spread gossip. But I don't think we really take to heart that these people will not inherit the Kingdom any sooner than the homosexual, or the thief. Now, clearly, all sin is not equal in consequence. Homosexual lust is a sin, but you cannot contract AIDS by lusting. Lusting after a women is adultery, but the offender is not involving her in the process (thereby avoiding the risk to her marriage, even if destroying his own). But what we should be focusing on, instead of spending so much time seeking out "safe" ways to sin, is the fact that all sin is equal in it's ability to separate us from God.

"Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear."

I am often asked if my husband's porn/fantasy addiction has been easier for me to overcome than his physical cheating. I do not wish to offend anyone, but the short answer might appropriately be, "DUH!". The airbrushed woman in a magazine is not likely to send you a text message, telling you that it is your fault, not hers, that your marriage is over. The porn actress that your husband views online will never laugh at you when you catch her in your bed. Your husband will not run into his porn whores on the street, and if he did, you can bet he would probably not recognize them. The consequences of porn addiction are not the same as a physical affair. Nevertheless, the Bible clearly calls these sins of lust "adultery of the heart".

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

We see the outward things of man, but the Bible tells us that the Lord looks at the heart. Therefore, if we are committing adultery in our hearts, if we are in possession of an adulterous heart, the Lord sees it that way. I think we should endeavor to see these things the way that God sees them. And actually, lust is such a dangerous and damning sin that Jesus suggests that one should gouge out his own eyes before allowing it to continue (lest it drag the offender to hell). I think what we often miss from this passage of scripture is that it was not written to shame men into purity. It is calling all Christians to a deeper, truer, level of holiness than was present under the law of Moses. When Jesus spoke these words he was about to die for the sins of the world, and surely he expects us to treat his blood as more precious than that of animals. As long as we reserve the right to sin, in any capacity, we deny the power of his blood.

Clearly (sadly but apparently), the injury caused to his wife is not enough to stop a man from groping strangers with his mind. I, and many women I speak with, have "felt" groped, sometimes even raped, on numerous occasions by the obvious mauling we have received at the mercy of a man's lustful eyes. A man can hide many things from his wife, so I believe that he must find a way to see his life as lived constantly before an observant Savior. However, I don't think that Jesus wants us to stop sinning out of fear, but out of love and gratitude.

"'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.'This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church."

Pure sex, perfect sex, beautiful, loving, passionate, marital sex is a picture of Christ and the church. When we distort it, in any way, we are spitting in the face of the ultimate groom. Married Christians are in a unique position to protect this beautiful picture. I think it is about time we started seeing our marriages this way.

The reason I am writing this post, however, is not to settle whether lust is adultery. I have been meditating on the verses directly above the adultery passage. Apparently, I am married to an adulterer, and he is married to a murderer. I am a murderer, or at least I should be subject to the same judgment. Just as in the adultery passage, however, I cannot be shamed into speaking graciously, to being angry but sinning not. I pray that God will instill this desire deep into my soul, and that every word I speak will be spoken openly before my Father.

For all of us, it is important to remember that God is love. We beg him to show us that he loves us, when he already sent his Son to die. He could not possibly do more than that! His love is proved, we have only to accept it. Only a cruel God would command something of us that we could not do. Therefore, if Jesus commands faithfulness and forgiveness, we have the power within us to follow through. I'm giving myself a pep-talk here. I hope it will bless you as well.

I See You

Do you know what I love most about the fact that people are reading this blog?? If they are here, they are not viewing porn. Now I know that multiple windows can be open at the same time, but I seriously doubt that the two (porn and me) are coexisting.

I'm pointing out this fact to comfort myself. From time to time someone Googles something revolting, and is directed to this blog. This is very disconcerting to me. However, what better way to face your demons? So, welcome dear addict. I believe you are here for a reason. Just as you are now, PLEASE RUN, do not walk, to Jesus.

To the Addicts...

I am awash in anger this morning! Maybe it's because I've been sitting here reading letter after letter from angry and heartbroken wives. Or maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Either way, I choose to release it here. Read at your own risk, and do not suggest that I clean it up. Whatever comes out, stays.

What do you say to yourself to justify your filth? You DO say something. You have some kind of conversation, in your mind, that somehow allows you to, very stupidly, convince yourself that your actions will not affect anyone but you. I hope that reading this blog has at least helped you to see how skewed that thinking is. Your precious wife, the gift from God that you didn't deserve in the first place, is dying because of you. Despite what society is trying to teach you, she needs you. You are supposed to protect her. Who will protect her from you?

Does that whore at the strip club make you feel needed. You think she does, but she doesn't need you. She is a Jezebel. If you had a clue what beauty was, you would be disgusted by her. Her every action is puppeteered by Satan himself. He is the predator, you are the prey, and she is nothing but a worm on a hook. She doesn't need anyone but God, and YOU are only driving her further and further away from Him. Your wife needs you. And your wife is the only one who will ever be able to prove you, or disprove you, as a man. Love her, cleave to her. Forsake ALL others, including YOURSELF you selfish bastard!

"I can't stop, I can't stop!" SHUT UP!! Stop your whining, asshole. You call yourself a man?! Do I think it's easy? No, of course not. So do whatever it takes to ensure your success. Quit your job, move to a new town, throw your computer out the window, tattoo "diseased" across your forehead. I don't care how hard it is! You are turning your sons into addicts, your daughters into whores, and sentencing your wife to hell on earth. What is worth that? Your precious orgasm?!

What would you say to a pedophile if you had the chance. Would these words be to harsh for him? Why do you think you are better than he is? YOU ARE NOT? He is an addict, just like you are. Maybe Satan's grip is tighter on him right now, but that does NOT make you better. He was hurt too. He has every excuse you do. Most of YOU are causing the people you love just as much pain as he is. I know you tell yourself, "At least I am better than he is." You hypocrite! What would you say to him? Say that to yourself next time you find yourself planning to act out, or "looking" at the pretty girl. There is no excuse for what you are doing. Get over yourself. Get over your pain. Grow up! Find God, or die. That's what I'd say to the pedophile, and that's what I say to you too.

There is no wound deep enough to justify passing it on to others. The cycle has to stop. Let yourself be the righteous man who refuses to pass it on.

Examining War Wounds

OK, you know by now how I get on rainy days. Well, it's pouring out. I'm feeling raw, painful emotion in a very matter-a-fact, surface way. They, painful memories and emotions, don't seem to have any power over me today; yet, there they are, all of them, right where I can almost see and touch them. I want to trowel them off and let the rain wash them far away. As usual I will settle for trapping them in "ink" and "paper".

So, my husband plunged another knife into my soul. So what!? What's new? This time it knocked me over somewhat. That's a good sign, it means I was standing upright. I've spent the last couple of years in the fetal position on the floor. The bed was too lofty for me, I began to prefer the floor. He stood over me, plunging a knife deep into my stomach, over, and over, and over again. I can still see his blank, emotionless expression as I lay there screaming, slowly bleeding out. Occasionally, when his soul would return to his body long enough for him to "feel", he would cry out in horror over what he was doing, yet he wouldn't stop. He'd just scream back, "I am so sorry!" as he would continue his bloody assault on my soul. "I wish I could stop, but I can't." When he would manage to pause, however briefly, things were better for him, but they were usually worse for me. "OK, can you get up off the floor now? What's wrong, I haven't stabbed you at all today?! You're bleeding all over everything, and it's really messy. Can you please stop? Maybe you should drive yourself to the hospital?"

He seems to have felt his recent, considerably lesser, offense in a way that he didn't feel full-blown affairs before. I am grateful for this change, very grateful. Damn these demons that are infecting my would-be sweet husband, and making him, instead of the powers of Darkness, appear as the enemy of my soul! What would these last four years have looked like if I would have just picked myself up off the floor (or at least moved out his reach), and started to really intercede? If I hadn't been so willing to see flesh and blood as my enemy, but had instead warred against principalities, how much farther down the road would we be today? I'm getting closer to reaching that goal, but what if I had started where I am now, instead of ignoring the Word of God for so long? How much of this suffering has been God's refining fire, and how much has been because of my, and of course Hubby's, disobedience and immaturity? I know God will work it out for good, because I do love Him (God, and for the most part, Hubby too). I'm not interested in running away from pain, but I don't want to self-inflict any either.

Ooo Ooo Pick Me, Pick Me! I know, I know!

This makes me smile from ear to ear! This morning around 9:00 am, a husband Googled, "How to seduce my wife", and for some reason was directed to my blog. I'm sure he didn't find the answer here, but in case he comes back, I'd like to answer that for him. It's really so easy, even though it differs woman to woman. I think that the most important key is observation. What does your wife choose to do for herself when she is gifted with a little extra time or money? If you can answer that, you are already aware of what comforts and lifts her spirits (which are both key in seduction). For example, I don't do big things for myself very often, but when someone gives me a gift card I think it is the best gift ever, because I can go shopping for clothes and not feel like I have to pay bills or buy diapers with the money. The little thing I do for myself most often is take a bath. So, if my husband is paying attention, he already knows two really big ways to seduce me. He could set aside some money for ME to spend on ME (even $10 dollars to get a couple of things off the clearance rack), or he could buy me some new bath salts (or something along those lines) and draw me a bath. I have a feeling that a nice bath with candles, bubbles, and fresh towels would work for most women!;) Hope this helps you!

P.S. It did my heart good to see that husbands are willing to work at their marriages, and don't always seek love and attention elsewhere when things get tough.

Pressing Play

Last night I wrote about what I believe God's plan, as outlined by Paul, is for marriage, and why I do not believe that a wife can expect her husband to act as her husband if she is withholding sex. Then, I joked that I was going to go and follow my own advice. I waited around for my anorexic husband until 1:00 in the morning (he was home of course, but was playing a video game, because he has agreed not to during the daytime)! We did NOT have sex last night, and I cried myself to sleep. Was it because I was sooo in the mood? Actually, I don't even remember really being in the mood. But I told h, night before last, that I was tired of initiating. He said, "But I love it when you initiate!" Of course he does, it removes all the work of intimacy from his to-do-list! So, I told him that I wasn't going to initiate more than twice in a row. Actually, I made the really nasty "shaming" statement: "This is not a strip club, it's a marriage. You have to come on to me too." He said, "OK, I'll initiate tomorrow night, and I'll make sure we get to bed early enough." Did he? Nope! I am so hurt and so angry. It's not really about sex at all, it's just about yet another thing coming before me. This is especially hurtful after it seemed like Satan might have been trying to tempt him back to porn day before yesterday (or was it yesterday??).

I try to be largely positive in the things I write here, because God has revealed to me that is how I am to heal. But the brief, paused, windows that I offer as a view to my pain, in no way capture what I have really been through. Sometimes I worry that someone might be reading this while in the depths of discovering the filth involved in their husband's addiction, and might wonder why they are so much angrier than I was. I'm probably assuming that my experiences are of much more value to you than they actually are. But in case I'm not assuming too much, I wish that I could press "play" on some of the low points of my life, so that you could truly see just how not alone you are.

I wish there was a way for you to hear me scream "Jeeeeeesus!!!" at the top of my lungs as I drove to my sonogram appointment. I had just confronted h (about a suspicious voice-mail on his cell phone) in the parking lot of his work. I screamed at him over and over and over again, "You are such a hoar! Just tell me the truth you lying, attention seeking, hoar!" He would not tell me the truth, and I was late for my appointment. I was so suicidal that I had to cry out to Jesus at the top of my lungs just to keep from swerving into oncoming traffic. I could literally feel the demons pulling the wheel toward the center of the road. It felt so good, and at the same time so terrifying, to let them drive.

I had a bad night last night, but I haven't been there in over a year. It does get easier. Time does heal.

After all this time...What!?

Did you know that people are reading this in the middle of the night? I just checked my stats, and I get the most visitors between 10 o'clock at night, and 6 o'clock in the morning. Why do you think that is?

I feel somewhat awed by the fact that people would trade in any amount of sleep to read about my life. Maybe you are here because you can't sleep! But then, that gives me a kind of obligation to write something that would somehow allow you, after reading it, to return to bed, and sleep peacefully through the night. I'm not sure if my description of today will accomplish that or not, yesterday's might, but I'll get to that in my next post. See, to tell you about today, I have to go back to what happened on the 28th of March. After that girl sent me the MySpace friend request, and totally devastated me, I sent her the following e-mail:

I'm sorry, but that was really rude. No, I do not want to be your MySpace friend. If deleting you from mine, didn't erase me from yours, please do me that favor. Since in over two years I've never gotten so much as an apology from you, I think I'm ready to give up, and move on. I hope you have a good life, and that no one seeks to cause you the same pain you have put me through.

Then, a full week later, she responded with the following (note- when I first started this blog, I sent her the link):

ok, then stop sending me things... and take me off of your email list. have a wonderful life. take care

Without so much as a breath, I responded, in anger, with:

I sent you something that you needed to see. in order to be convicted. Don't you dare approach this situation with me with rudeness, when I have been soooo generous with you for all this time. You little slut!! I haven't sent you anything, except the link to my blog, in a long time. And the only reason I have kept in touch at all, was to give you the ability to be healed, by repenting in front of me. You are more responsible than any other women for the pain that has entered my marriage, for the very reason that you were the first whore to purposely seek out to seduce my husband. He was attempting to be a Christian man back then, although he knew very little about what that meant. The sin that you dragged him down into caused him to turn away from God for the next two years! Congratulations, daughter of a preacher man.

Wheew! I had waited more than two years to say that!! Funny, it didn't make me feel better! Actually, it made me feel so much worse. I can be angry, with a righteous anger. But I can judge for certain that I wasn't in the Spirit, because I stole away my peace, with my own words! I had given her control again, hadn't I? I didn't want the control, but I had to willingly give it back to God. So, late last night, I grit my teeth, and I wrote her again.

I feel convicted to apologize to you for the things I wrote last night. Brian feels that you suffer from the same type of spiritual sickness that he does. I am loving and praying him through his struggle, and I should learn to extend that same love to others.

I'm a work in progress too!

P.S. You won't hear from me again. But if you ever need something that only I can offer, you don't have to shy away from asking.

Ahhh....I hit send and suddenly felt so much better. I know it doesn't make sense, but I did. A wave of peace just washed over my whole body. Of course, I secretly fantasized that she'd respond with a beautifully heart-felt, groveling apology, and I'd be whole again!;) She did respond, she even apologized. But, well, you judge...

i am a totally different person now then i was in ____... honestly, i shouldnt have been in _______and from this day i regret even going. im sorry for all the pain i have caused you, i cant say that enough. as for me i dont talked to or see the people that was in my life that that time. i am married and starting a family. congrates on your two twins... i hope you have a wonderful life, and a happy marriage.

OK, really? Why would a person even bother apologizing if they were going to do so, so unbelievably poorly! Now I can hardly even stomach that I did the right thing! I hate having regret over godly actions! But that's how I feel right now. I know I have to forgive, and release, her for my sake, and not for hers, blah, blah, blah;) So, I had a good cry, and now I'm moving on. (sigh) There's nothing else to do, I guess.

Getting Back in the Game!

This is what I wrote when I woke up on Saturday morning:

"OK, I'm through! I've been angry all week, and thus, miserable all week. Something very deeply rooted has caused me to surrender to the Enemy this week. I know I'm being triggered by feeling left out, and trapped with the kids, but that isn't an excuse to let Satan and his minions beat on me (and by extension my family). It just really struck me this morning that we're almost at the one-year anniversary of my dd (the day I discovered for 100% certain how deep my husband's sex addiction went). But look how far we've come in a year! Sure, I wish it was further, but I'm truly grateful as well."

I end there, because as I reached the close of my last sentence, around 11:15 in the morning, housekeeping knocked at the door. We were still staying in the World Prayer Conference Center hotel room, because hubby's help was needed on the set of the Easter production. Anyway, I asked H if he would get the door, and ask for trash bags and towels. He did, but they responded by saying, "Your check-out time was fifteen minutes ago." It was a misunderstanding, as we were originally told that we could stay through Saturday night. Nevertheless, it was not fixable; because by that point all of the rooms had been booked! While H went downstairs to try and fix the problem, I frantically packed the room. I was still in my PJs, and had been on my way to get a shower. No such luck! So, while H had to leave in the church work truck, and drive forty-five minutes away to pick up the livestock for the production, I sat in the parking lot in our minivan, in my pajamas, with all our stuff and four crying babies. And I cried and cried. I just felt so defeated, cast-out, and worthless. There was NO ROOM for me, yet again. I was also so angry, because I had woken up with such a good attitude! It had only budded though, and had yet to bloom. If only it had time to bloom, maybe I would have handled the whole situation better. There's a lesson in all of this!!;)

I've had time to process, and I'm fine now, and am back to my original aim. I'm also fasting, as part of a nationwide partner's fast that is lasting until Easter. Join me, won't you! Man I'm hungry!;)

I still get angry, everyday!

I wish I had started this blog last April, when my husband's girlfriend called me to tell me about the affair (not because she felt guilty, but because she was mad at him for dumping her). Because then you could have seen the real explosion of tumultuous anger that I had to process through. The night of the call I was five months pregnant. We were at my parent's house, in the driveway, loading up the girls to take them home. As soon as I saw the unknown number come up on the screen, I "knew" what was about to happen. I didn't pick up the phone, because I didn't want to talk to her directly. When the message tone beeped, I looked at h and said, "I just missed a call." He knew what was happening too (he had broken up with her that night) so he tried to get the phone from me, but I had a death grip on it. Finally, everything was coming to light! I was dying, and beginning to live, all in the same moment.

So, the message said what I thought it would say, and I calmly hung up, and slumped down in my seat for the ride home. I started to cry, and to ask a lot of questions, but I saved the screaming for after the girls were in bed. Then, I screamed, cursed, and raged for about an hour. I didn't get much of a reaction, except for a couple of pathetic tears, from my husband, so I kept raging. Finally, he reached maximum capacity when I promised to spend the weekend, f****** my ex. He let out the most horrible, guttural scream, picked up the coffee table, and threw it at the wall. Then he screamed again, and ran out of the apartment with tears in his eyes. I was so afraid about what he might do, that I chased after him in my bare feet, trying to keep him from leaving. I ran after the van as he drove away, and as he sped off to leave, I tripped and fell on my face. Instinctively, I had protected my belly, so my face (which you would normally guard out of instinct) took most of the damage. He brought the van to a screeching halt, ran over to me, scooped me up and tried to carry me inside. But when he saw my face, he lost it, and started crying uncontrollably. My lip was the size of a golf ball almost instantly, and I was covered in blood. To top things off, the upstairs neighbors had called the cops about our yelling, and they pulled up just in time to see me picking myself up off the pavement.They didn't arrest him, because I told them that I had fallen, but when they saw the coffee table, they told him that that was domestic violence in our state, and that if they were called out again, they would have to take him in.

The next morning, we realized that my arm was hurt worse than I'd originally been willing to admit. He took me to the ER where we discovered that it was broken, and I was going to have to take care of two toddlers with one arm.

He said that he knew he could never ever allow himself to hurt me again after that night, but of course he did (insert story about finding stripper in bed after separation). We separated about three weeks later because although I wanted to stay and work things out, (I thought he had "fallen out of love" at this point, I didn't realize that he was an addict) I couldn't stop myself from raging at him.

So yes, I still get angry! I have sooo many triggers, that it's hard to get through an afternoon, let alone a whole day, without being reminded of his betrayal. But the anger doesn't control me like it used to. And I'm learning to shift it away from Brian, and the other women, and to focus it toward the sin/addiction itself. The Bible says to "be angry and sin not". So I know that this is possible. I've done some studying to find out how, and here's what I'm learning.

First of all, we're allowed to be angry. Praise the Lord! I'm not a theologian, so read on with that in mind, but I've heard preached that Ephesians 4:26 is referring to the difference between righteous and unrighteous anger. Meaning that we are not sinning if we are mad at the things that make God angry, and are sinning if we are mad about other earthly things. I could not disagree more with this interpretation. In context, Paul is exhorting the Ephesians as to how they are to act toward one another. They already know to hate sin. I think he is talking about the everyday offenses that naturally occur while living in close fellowship with the body. And, if they are reacting to sin, how they are to react. Is it OK for me to scream foul words at my husband when I learn that he has betrayed me in unimaginable ways? The short answer; no, it's not OK (Ephesians 4:29-32). In verse 25 Paul tells the Ephesians to "speak truthfully" about their anger, but to do so without sinning. And to have this conversation before sunset, so as to not allow Satan a foothold. If you've lived with anger, you know exactly what is meant by this.

So when I'm triggered, I'm allowed to say so. I like this. But I'm only allowed to use words that are compassionate, and that build up my husband. This takes a little work! But I have had a lot of opportunities to practice! And I can tell you in all honesty, it gets easier every time. And living with peace is so much better than living with anger, no matter what the circumstance.