The Wife of an Addict

How Much Do You Want To Know?

Upon entering the recovery process (one year, two months, and twenty-four days ago), I immediately wanted to find a woman who had suffered to the extent I had, and had decided to stay in her marriage. Although I now know you cannot measure emotional trauma solely by the circumstances one survives, I did not feel that way at the time. Therefore, I did not find the woman I so desperately sought. If I had found her, I would have asked her one main question. I would have asked, "Do you still cry all the time?" If this [forgiving an adulterer while staying married to him] couldn't be done, I didn't want to waste my time trying.

I now feel very strongly that it CAN be done, but I still cry. I have to believe that the day will come when the tears will stop, but it's not today...

We may have found a house! It's sitting vacant, but the owner has had such bad luck with tenants that he doesn't want to try again. Hopefully, friends of ours will be able to talk him into giving us a chance. It's right next door to the cabin where we first lived together as man and wife. We have wonderful memories of being together in our little cabin, and it would be perfect for us to be back there. Yes, there is a catch. The now vacant house was once occupied by one of Hubby's one night stands. Until last night I assumed they had been together in that house.

My mom called with news about the house late last night, just as we were starting a movie (Fracture, which I would recommend on the basis of it being a "grown up" movie with a refreshing -albeit not a complete- lack of skin). I was excited by the news; but, was at the same time plagued by a pang of sorrow that I didn't feel at liberty to share with anyone. We went ahead with the movie. It was about the murder of an adulterous spouse; and, with aid of the freshly unearthed wound I was attempting to hide, I couldn't help but root for the murderer. As the credits rolled I blurted, "If we were back in the Old Testament he wouldn't have done anything wrong!" Then I followed up by muttering something like, "I don't see why we ever changed that."

I don't hate my husband. I was able to very easily give that hatred to God as soon as Hubby became repentant. I do though, very much so, struggle with hatred for the other women. Why? Because they are not sorry, and I seriously doubt whether they have enough of a soul to ever feel sorry. Now intellectually, I know that "forgiveness is for giving" (the title of an upcoming post) people and emotions to God, for our benefit, and that it has absolutely nothing to do with repentance from the offending party. I know this, but I have obviously not learned quite how to practice it.

After my initial outburst last night, I sat quietly for a few minutes. Then, I turned to Hubby and said, "Would it be hard for you to live in that house?"

"No, why?"

I made a face, and he simply said. "I don't want to drag up the past, but nothing ever happened in that house."

Now, I haven't asked him the details of that particular affair since he has been attempting honesty; but he initially told me that he went to the house to see her boyfriend, and that she invited him in to wait for him. It's ridiculous that that could lead to sex, but I was at least satisfied that he hadn't sought her out. So, even though I was relieved to learn that the house was a "clean zone", I was enraged by the prospect that their encounter had been much less spontaneous. I started to cry.

Hubby offered to tell me anything I needed to know. I declined, and instead began to flash back to instance after instance where I had been face to face with just some of his "whores". I felt myself wishing that I could go back in time and take their lives, one by one. It's not easy for me to admit that to you, but I feel compelled to do so.

Intermittently between sobs, I declared my hatred for these women (in particular the stripper I found in my bed). As if I had made absolutely zero progress this past year, I whined to God, "How am I supposed to be happy while she is still alive?!" Hubby reminded me that he had received word months ago about her being in a car wreck that had damaged her face. I laughed out-loud! I honestly don't think anything could have made me as happy as those words did at that moment (remember that my definition for 'happy' is a cheap and selfish imitation of joy).

I spent the rest of the night crying over my sin, and praying that God would not give up on me. I am not telling you this to discourage you. I am just as committed to this fight as I was yesterday afternoon. But, in case you've ever wanted to ask me the question, I think you have the right to know that I still cry, just not as often.

Adultery and Murder

It is an obvious truth that we, as Christians, categorize sins. Things like an occasional lie or gossip, greed, lust, or over-eating, are "weaknesses" rather than sin. Adultery, murder, and maybe most of all, homosexuality, are damnable. I've always found it funny that we feel the need to classify sins vs. weaknesses in this way; after all, the Bible never does.

"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

I think we all know quite a few idolaters, greedy business men (and women), and people who love to spread gossip. But I don't think we really take to heart that these people will not inherit the Kingdom any sooner than the homosexual, or the thief. Now, clearly, all sin is not equal in consequence. Homosexual lust is a sin, but you cannot contract AIDS by lusting. Lusting after a women is adultery, but the offender is not involving her in the process (thereby avoiding the risk to her marriage, even if destroying his own). But what we should be focusing on, instead of spending so much time seeking out "safe" ways to sin, is the fact that all sin is equal in it's ability to separate us from God.

"Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear."

I am often asked if my husband's porn/fantasy addiction has been easier for me to overcome than his physical cheating. I do not wish to offend anyone, but the short answer might appropriately be, "DUH!". The airbrushed woman in a magazine is not likely to send you a text message, telling you that it is your fault, not hers, that your marriage is over. The porn actress that your husband views online will never laugh at you when you catch her in your bed. Your husband will not run into his porn whores on the street, and if he did, you can bet he would probably not recognize them. The consequences of porn addiction are not the same as a physical affair. Nevertheless, the Bible clearly calls these sins of lust "adultery of the heart".

"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

We see the outward things of man, but the Bible tells us that the Lord looks at the heart. Therefore, if we are committing adultery in our hearts, if we are in possession of an adulterous heart, the Lord sees it that way. I think we should endeavor to see these things the way that God sees them. And actually, lust is such a dangerous and damning sin that Jesus suggests that one should gouge out his own eyes before allowing it to continue (lest it drag the offender to hell). I think what we often miss from this passage of scripture is that it was not written to shame men into purity. It is calling all Christians to a deeper, truer, level of holiness than was present under the law of Moses. When Jesus spoke these words he was about to die for the sins of the world, and surely he expects us to treat his blood as more precious than that of animals. As long as we reserve the right to sin, in any capacity, we deny the power of his blood.

Clearly (sadly but apparently), the injury caused to his wife is not enough to stop a man from groping strangers with his mind. I, and many women I speak with, have "felt" groped, sometimes even raped, on numerous occasions by the obvious mauling we have received at the mercy of a man's lustful eyes. A man can hide many things from his wife, so I believe that he must find a way to see his life as lived constantly before an observant Savior. However, I don't think that Jesus wants us to stop sinning out of fear, but out of love and gratitude.

"'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.'This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church."

Pure sex, perfect sex, beautiful, loving, passionate, marital sex is a picture of Christ and the church. When we distort it, in any way, we are spitting in the face of the ultimate groom. Married Christians are in a unique position to protect this beautiful picture. I think it is about time we started seeing our marriages this way.

The reason I am writing this post, however, is not to settle whether lust is adultery. I have been meditating on the verses directly above the adultery passage. Apparently, I am married to an adulterer, and he is married to a murderer. I am a murderer, or at least I should be subject to the same judgment. Just as in the adultery passage, however, I cannot be shamed into speaking graciously, to being angry but sinning not. I pray that God will instill this desire deep into my soul, and that every word I speak will be spoken openly before my Father.

For all of us, it is important to remember that God is love. We beg him to show us that he loves us, when he already sent his Son to die. He could not possibly do more than that! His love is proved, we have only to accept it. Only a cruel God would command something of us that we could not do. Therefore, if Jesus commands faithfulness and forgiveness, we have the power within us to follow through. I'm giving myself a pep-talk here. I hope it will bless you as well.

Self-Objectification

I did a little skimming of the new "Community" links this afternoon during nap-time. I found one of the links on "My Sex Addict Husband" to be extremely interesting. It reminded me so much of my husband's addiction that I couldn't resist commenting.

It's an easy, quick, read, so please check it out. But these are the lines that stand out most to me:

"The whole thing seems like the standard mid-life crisis. Why does he think that Internet porn was to blame for his infidelity?

'Because I was already committing adultery every day in my mind with women on the Internet with whom real women like my wife could never compete,' he says. 'When I met this woman, she was another fantasy.'"

I love this response from the addict. I truly believe that every porn addict is capable of a real-life affair, whether he realizes it or not. But here's the part I want to comment on: "With whom real women...could never compete". I first heard that from our counselor right after our biggest discovery day. Maybe I'm the only wife whose ego is THIS big, but I found it to be extremely offensive.

"What do you mean, I could never compete??!"

As a former [small-time] model, and formerly aspiring actress, I've received enough praise from men (and women) to last me a life-time (even if it isn't pouring in as quickly after four kids!;)) I'm still pretty cute, and now I cook too. So, I'll ask again,

"Where, when, why, how, and with whom can I not compete!?"

In case you are struggling as I was, let me remove the testosterone from this statement, and add some much needed estrogen. Addiction, specifically sex-addiction, places the addict in the center of his/her own universe. They don't really care how pretty you are, how sexy you are, how sweet you are, how virginal you are, or how whorish you are. Actually, these women they fantasize about cannot compete with the "fantasy" of who they are anymore than you can. Simply put, they don't want a woman, they want an object. The object they desire is a feelingless, emotionless mound of flesh that they can mold (through imagination and/or control) into anything they want, anytime they want. This object will never get pregnant, have a period, get a headache, or have an opinion.

Once my husband had a little bit of sobriety under his belt, I asked him a question about his affairs.

"I understand the whole fantasy thing, I think. But you were with real women. Why were they more desirable than I was? Surely they didn't ALWAYS do and say everything you wanted."

"It was still just a fantasy though. I didn't want get to know a real person. Most of them were strippers and porn stars because it was their job to act like they fit into my fantasy. When they started acting real, all we did was fight."

This journey, as the wife of a recovering addict, is a difficult one. I want to challenge you, and myself, to something that will be helpful as time passes. Be the best woman and wife you can be, but do not objectify yourself. You are flesh and blood, a giver of life, and a soft place for your husband to land. God made you to be a help to him. You are a gift to him, but you give of yourself willingly. You are not an object, or a possession.

Wanna See Me Throw a Fit?

I hardly ever wear shoes. My feet are in terrible shape! I don't mean hideous, but certainly not pretty and girlie like I like try to keep the rest of myself. While I've never had very much "feet-esteem", and am often put to shame when it's time for sandals, the benefit is that I can walk on just about anything without any real discomfort. If the girls are playing outside, and one of them starts to cry, or gets hurt somehow, I can run out the door shoeless without hurting myself. I have very thick skin...on my feet. OK, you knew I was going somewhere with this, right? Should my emotional skin be that thick, or should I simply (or not so simply) weed abusive and hurtful people out of my life?

I didn't post yesterday because I was much too busy being mad at b-i-l. F-i-l called a few days ago, and when he asked to talk to me, b-i-l smirked, and handed me the phone (Hubby always makes up an excuse for me). I was caught off-guard, and said, "I'm a little too busy with the kids right now, but I'm sure that H would like to talk to him." Based on every conversation I have ever had with f-i-l, he would have said something to send me reeling, and it would have ruined the rest of my day. I no longer find it necessary to put up with abuse for the sake of politeness. I must have hurt b-i-l's feelings in my effort to save my own. If not, I can't imagine why he has become so cruel.

Right before Hubby and I were intending to do our nightly devotional, night before last, he went outside for a smoke (I know, it's a contradiction, but I'm letting the Holy Spirit have this one!;)). I was sitting with my back to the door, and when it opened I turned to look. "Nope, it's just me." B-i-l said. "H is at the strip club." He was laughing, but I looked him right in the eyes and said slowly and calmly, "That is NOT funny." He was only passing through the room to get something from the garage, and on his way back through he said, "Well, he is at the strip club. Actually, he's somewhere much worse, but he told me to tell you that he was at the strip club." He was pleased with his drunken self, and walked out the door with a huge smile on his face. Actually, he was so proud of his hilarious joke that he re-told it to Hubby. Hubby immediately ran inside to see if I was alright. Well, it surprised even me how NOT alright I was. I skipped our Bible study and went straight to bed without even changing my clothes. H went outside to confront b-i-l, and then got in bed with me and held me as I cried myself to sleep.

Hubby was still mad at b-i-l yesterday, and when they returned from work last night it was obvious that they hadn't really spoken to each other all day. Apparently b-i-l gets angry at people for being angry at him. Hubby understands this defensiveness, but I just don't get it. The good in this mini-drama is that I'm able to clearly see some growth on Hubby's part, as far as his being able to feel pain for me. The obviously negative aspect is that I am still allowing Satan to destroy me, and I'm not sure if I'll ever grow past this.

Examining War Wounds

OK, you know by now how I get on rainy days. Well, it's pouring out. I'm feeling raw, painful emotion in a very matter-a-fact, surface way. They, painful memories and emotions, don't seem to have any power over me today; yet, there they are, all of them, right where I can almost see and touch them. I want to trowel them off and let the rain wash them far away. As usual I will settle for trapping them in "ink" and "paper".

So, my husband plunged another knife into my soul. So what!? What's new? This time it knocked me over somewhat. That's a good sign, it means I was standing upright. I've spent the last couple of years in the fetal position on the floor. The bed was too lofty for me, I began to prefer the floor. He stood over me, plunging a knife deep into my stomach, over, and over, and over again. I can still see his blank, emotionless expression as I lay there screaming, slowly bleeding out. Occasionally, when his soul would return to his body long enough for him to "feel", he would cry out in horror over what he was doing, yet he wouldn't stop. He'd just scream back, "I am so sorry!" as he would continue his bloody assault on my soul. "I wish I could stop, but I can't." When he would manage to pause, however briefly, things were better for him, but they were usually worse for me. "OK, can you get up off the floor now? What's wrong, I haven't stabbed you at all today?! You're bleeding all over everything, and it's really messy. Can you please stop? Maybe you should drive yourself to the hospital?"

He seems to have felt his recent, considerably lesser, offense in a way that he didn't feel full-blown affairs before. I am grateful for this change, very grateful. Damn these demons that are infecting my would-be sweet husband, and making him, instead of the powers of Darkness, appear as the enemy of my soul! What would these last four years have looked like if I would have just picked myself up off the floor (or at least moved out his reach), and started to really intercede? If I hadn't been so willing to see flesh and blood as my enemy, but had instead warred against principalities, how much farther down the road would we be today? I'm getting closer to reaching that goal, but what if I had started where I am now, instead of ignoring the Word of God for so long? How much of this suffering has been God's refining fire, and how much has been because of my, and of course Hubby's, disobedience and immaturity? I know God will work it out for good, because I do love Him (God, and for the most part, Hubby too). I'm not interested in running away from pain, but I don't want to self-inflict any either.

I told him that I just don't love him anymore

It just doesn't stop around here! We haven't sold our car, meaning the bills are still piling up. I left for our weekend feeling puny, and now am officially sick. After two nights of zero sleep, I'm seriously doubting my love for my children. And to top it all off, I've decided that I hate my husband (who is sitting on the floor in front of me, glued to a movie and loudly munching a huge bowl of generic cocoa puffs). Do you think I might be under some kind of attack?;) OK, seriously, it did me so much good to write all that down. I'm laughing now, and I haven't really laughed all day, which is unusual for me. H just asked what was so funny...should I tell him?

A few hours ago, while standing in the kitchen making my weekly pot of pinto beans, (I make a big pot and then refry a third -thanks Mern-, and bake a third) something inside me was trying to escape. I felt that containing my anger was absolutely impossible, and I had zero desire to give it to God. I thought my shoulders were going to pop over my head (see, I told you I'd use that one, Megan!). H has been off since early yesterday because he works outside and we've been getting a lot of heavy rain. From the kitchen I had a perfect view of him being a complete bum in front of a computer game. He'd been there all day, and I just wanted to scream a string of obscenities at him as long as my arm. "I don't even love him." I just kept hearing that over and over in my head. Instead of throwing the pot of beans at the wall, I decided to let God soften my heart a little. I felt the Lord clearly impress, "You can talk to him if you need to."

"Can I talk to you downstairs for a minute?" He quickly agreed, and followed me downstairs. I told him that first of all I was not threatening anything, and that I had every intention of staying in the marriage for the rest of my life (or the rest of his life in recovery). But I admitted that I had been feeling less and less love for him lately, instead of more and more like I had hoped, and that today I felt none. Also, I told him that I've watched his selfishness increase since he's started back to work, and that I was not OK with that. I checked myself before I even opened my mouth. I did not want to speak words intended to wound or manipulate. I know God was with me because his response actually made me "spark" a little. He said that he thinks a lot about how I used to be, and feels like maybe he has ruined me. He said that he wants to know how to help me come back. He said that he'd wait for me to come back, and that his desire is only to be with me. I know in my mind what a long and difficult journey we are on. It was so good to hear that he has some grasp of that too.

I don't get to talk to him like that very often; he is an emotional anorexic, and has a difficult time expressing his feelings, or even feeling at all. The Lord is so good though, and has provided me with a little window to H's heart through the raw and often graphic words of another addict. This is something I needed, and in which I have found great comfort. If I can understand H's struggle, even just a little bit, I am able to feel much more compassion and grace toward him. We're all wounded, and there is no excuse for wounding others out of our pain. But even so, if you've ever wanted a window to "why", you might find it here. If you do chose to delve into this addicts' world, do so as an observer, or as an encourager. His guilt is intense enough without strangers feeling the need to act as judge and jury.

Get behind me, Satan!

I've never been to Bible college, and I have zero desire to be "ordained" by man. I began my walk with the Lord at the age of four, and since then have been apart of seven churches, and one cult. The lessons I have learned in this life have not come easily, but I hope I am learning them well. I rarely make the very same [big] mistake twice. If I had to claim an area of expertise, I would say that I know how to listen for the Lord. I pray without ceasing, but I don't do all (or even most) of the talking. Do I walk around hearing the voice of the Lord all day long? Oh, I wish!! But I listen for Him almost constantly; I'm a pretty good listener. What I've heard in those rare sweet times makes me want to scream the following to you:

Do you really not understand that this life is NOT supposed to be easy? I hurt for the modern-day American Church. Being in the pursuit of God is a joy-filled life that few know. Being in the sole pursuit of [earthly] happiness is miserable, and will bring only misery and death. Do you think that Jesus was happy? I know He was. I'm sure He laughed, hugged, smiled, grinned, winked, told knee-slapping jokes; but His happiness was of the joy-filled variety, not the temporal kind. Have you experienced the difference? Jesus was born to die, and He carried this realization from a relatively early point in His life. This did not hinder His joy however, because purpose and vision give way to joy.

Right before His death, when things were darkest for our Lord, Peter, out of a loving and protective nature, lectured Jesus on faith, and protecting oneself from harm. Jesus rebuked Satan. Did Jesus, in the dim candlelight of the upper room, mistake Peter for Satan? Of course not. As is always the case with the Holy Scriptures, so much more is going on behind the scenes. The Bible tells us that the power of life and death is in the tongue. Satan was speaking through Peter just as he can, and most likely has, through all of us. This does not make Peter evil. The Lord bypassed Peter altogether, and rebuked Satan for his words.

Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. "Never, Lord!" he said. "This [suffering, death, and crucification] shall never happen to you!"

Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?

Get behind me, Satan! Do not be a stumbling block to me! The call to stay married to a sex-addict is a difficult one, and divorce is tempting. But I'm not staying out of co-dependence, or fear, or an inability to set healthy boundaries. I'm standing with my husband because for now this is where God has me. I know this because He makes it possible, and even joyful for me to stay.

On that subject of joy, we had a wonderful time in the mountains over the weekend! There were no fights, and was very little conflict. It was relaxing, and wonderful, and waaaay too short. Thank you so very much for praying for me and my family.

You, Me, and BIL

My goodness, what a week. H went back to work on Monday, and I went back to more-than-full-time Mommying. I would never want a real break from my kids, like day care or ummm boarding school, but having their co-parent here full-time sure was nice. I know I am so much healthier now than I was before our abstinence/in-patient project. I'm so glad we took that road, instead of divorcing which was the only other option in my mind. We're having a BIG problem though. His little brother is driving me crazy. I feel as if a lot of what should have been exclusive healing time was wasted because b-i-l lives here. He doesn't have a license, so he is always around. He follows H around, and is always asking the two questions I hate most, (coming from a guy and directed at H) "Hey Man, wanna check out this new game?" and "How bout a smoke break?" OK, OK, there are nice things about him being here too. H has someone to look up to him, which I think is important. And they are brothers who have until now never been close, so bonding time is important. But is it more important than our bonding time? In my mind, not even close. I can't kick him out, because this isn't our house. I just feel like I'm drowning in the selfishness of all those around me, and it's overwhelming. I want to practice unselfishness, but I'm feeling so resentful and tired tonight. For example, H just asked me if I'd like to go out back and play croquette. I'm not a huge fan of the game, but was so excited to have some alone time with him. I guess I should have made my motive clear, because just five minutes later he asked b-i-l if he would like to play with us. I'm gonna go soak in the tub and leave them with the kids. I'm really so angry I can't even find the words.

Dear Diary,

Lately I've been trying to figure out the balance between honesty and discretion. This is supposed to be my journal: the day-to-day life, boring, manic, or praiseworthy, of my life and my marriage to H. But let's face it, there is a world of difference between a journal that I hide under my mattress, and a blog that anyone in the world can find simply by "Googling" anything to do with "sex addiction", or "sex after adultery". BUT, today is making me very tired, maybe too tired to pick and choose my words.

Thought #1:

So, it's almost summer and I feel fat. I didn't feel fat three days ago, but for the last couple of days nothing seems to fit right. I told H, and he offered to move my exercise equipment out to the deck, since he knows I also want a tan. I thought that was nice, but I don't want to work out, I just want the fat to magically disappear!

Thought #2:

I hate money! I don't even want any. I don't need anything that I don't already have, I just want my bills to go away. I've spent the last half hour crying on the phone because the very large payment that I sent into our credit card company, to prevent being taken to court, was misapplied, (stolen) and the new company who bought our account is still taking us to court. So for now we're out $1,500 that we didn't have to begin with. We have -$0.03 in the bank, and we're going to court. We don't have the money to take the old company to court; we don't even have the money to drive to the courthouse. I am so frustrated! When someone cashes your check, they should apply it to your account! I wrote my account number on the check and sent it in with the payment stub. If you didn't know who I was,  you should have returned my check, OK, Washington Mutual!

Thought #3:

Praise report!!: I am so grateful to be online right now! My AC cord was shot last night, but my sweet hubby (man it's been a looong time since I have wanted to call him that) got up early and borrowed a soldering iron from the neighbor!

Thought #4:

We're going to the mountains, weekend after next, for a late Mother's Day celebration with my parents. Today I asked my mom if she would watch the kids early Saturday morning, so that H and I can go fishing together. She said, "Sure. Can your little brother go with you?" I said "Uh, yeah, sure." Why did I do that!?! We've been wanting to go fishing together since we've been married, and I don't think we ever have. So now I have to call my mom back and tell her "NO." I just hope she hasn't already said something to the little man.

Thought #5:

H starts work on Monday, which is a BIG praise. We feel like it is a "God thing". He'll be driving his little brother to and from work, so there should be a lot of accountability there. Also, they drug test which is another good thing. I'm still going to be working from home, I just won't be able to work many daytime hours.

I have to get back to work on this credit mess. I know that God will work this out for us, He always does. Can I just go to sleep and wake up when everything is better?;) Hopefully H will get home soon so that I can take a short nap. I have a headache.

Drinking Poison

Last summer, when I kicked h out and he was gone for two months, I grew very accustom to the taste of poison. You know the saying, "...drinking poison and hoping the other person will die." That was me. I very clearly and painfully remember being so angry that I just needed to throw something, anything! On more than one occasion this feeling overtook me while I was holding one of my children. I praise Jesus for the grace that held my arms steady. I threw one dish, and one wine glass...but nothing priceless.

Over the weekend I received a very sweet e-mail from a new reader. She said she was stunned that I was able to stand up under everything I had been through. Do you want to know something? It is absolutely impossible to stand up under what I have been through. No one is that strong. I thank Jesus for my relationship with Him that taught me, from a very young age, to fall...just fall back into His arms. Did you ever play the trust game as a kid? I hated it! But with God, you don't have to fear or doubt. He'll always catch you, but you do have to fall back.

I so often forget that I have a strength that the world does not. See, I called on the Lord while He was near. Now He is my ever present help, and the waters cannot reach me (IF I stay high on the mountain). I'm embarrassed to even write this down, but I didn't post on Sunday night, even though I was home and awake, because I was too busy manically worrying that I would NEVER be able to forgive h, and that I was going to have to divorce him before I ruined both our lives. I cried and cried, and asked him what he planed to do if I stayed angry forever (which is especially strange, because I haven't struggled with much anger at all in the last few months). What triggered this bout of mania? Will and Grace! That's right, t.v. that I shouldn't have been watching in the first place! Grace decided not to reconcile with her husband after his infidelity. She looked at him, very realistically, as if to say, "Will we ever be the same? Is there hope for my heart if I stay with you? Will I ever trust you again?" I saw the answer in her eyes, "No". Then she walked out, and something in my spirit gave way to fear and doubt. It's so easy for me to lose my footing in this process of restoration. The Lord has showed me very clearly how to stay steady, but still I test the boundaries of His grace. It's not possible for Grace to forgive Leo. It's not possible for me to forgive H. But my life in Christ has NEVER been about what is possible! Thank you Lord!

Philippians 4:4-9

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Do you want indescribable peace despite any situation? First, praise Jesus all day long. Second, be gentle to everyone, no matter how strongly you would like to act/react otherwise. Never let fear overtake you. But when you are in need, great or small, approach the throne, thankful for all you have already been given, with your requests. Finally, and very importantly, think and dwell only on pure things. It might not be an easy formula to live out, but oh, it is so worth it! After all, the alternative, for me anyway, is total chaos and dismay. I'm back on the road to choosing peace. Lord, let me choose peace tomorrow!