The Sin of Unforgiveness...cont.

I recently received the following e-mail from my dad (prompted by a tearful conversation I had with my mom while she was here).

________________________________________________________

To my dearest daughter,

Recently as I was meditating a verse came to me.  It's from Proverbs 30 and verse 2.  It says;

     "Surely I am more stupid than any man,
      And I do not have the understanding of a man.
      And I have not learned wisdom,
      But I have the knowledge of the Holy One."

As I approach the twilight years of my life I do not look back ... as many do... with a smile or sense of satisfaction at a life well lived.

I find that I have accomplished very little good, and in fact, done great harm to those who I cared the most about - you, and my other children.

And, of course, your mother also.

I can handle the failure of ministry or of not making a living ... as painful as both of those have been.  But what brings me to the brink of self destruction is the thought of how much I have harmed you and your siblings by my sin.

The judgments of God are all around me it seems.  And righteous they are indeed.

Surely I am more stupid than any man.  For I have on many occasions spoken words that I know have cut deeply into your soul. 

Can you ever receive enough grace to forgive me and be healed?  Is that asking too much from the Lord?  Must I die knowing that my own children have been scarred too deeply to recover.

My whole life has been spent battling demons.  Depression, insecurity, fears without number.  I have often wished that I had remained unmarried. Not because mother and you children were trouble for me, but because I was such trouble for you and I seemed incapable of being a good and loving father.

You are an excellent wife, mother, and daughter.  You are a sign of God's love for ME!  I only wish it were the other way around.  Maybe it's not too late for us.  Maybe I can learn wisdom and be a father that displays the love and kindness of God.  O, if only that could be!

You are beautiful.  You are gifted.  You are deep water.  You are strong.  I respect you.  I admire you.  I am completely undeserving of being your father. But that was God's gift to me.  I know He must love me for that alone. Please forgive my painful, damnable words whenever and wherever they have been spoken ... too numerous to count.

If we have occasion to get specific I will be more than happy to try and undo the verbal damage where possible.

May God be with you in all of your doings, all of your motherings, all of your writings.  May your vision ascend and your faith go deep.  You and your mother and brothers and your children deserve a man of God in your lives.  Please pray that I will yet fulfill that great calling.

Dad

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I would obviously have to be very cold to not forgive after that kind of apology; so, I wrote the following.

_________________________________________________________

Dad,

Well, thank God for the last line of that verse, because I am stupid too. I don't know what came over me the last day Mom was here. Do I have hurts from my childhood? Of course I do, but who doesn't? I am very sorry that my unforgiveness has caused you pain. This is a great sin on my part. And one that, inferring from my current situation, God is insisting that I overcome.

I know that great disappointment and sorrow has touched, even infiltrated, your life. And, as an adult, I can see how pain can cause one to live in a way that only perpetuates suffering. I am very sorry for your suffering. I am also painfully aware of the way pain and disappointment can change us, and can cause us to turn on the ones we love most. I have taken out my pain on the girls, and have immediately felt the deepest regret of my life. Yet, what I am to do? I can't go back. All I can do is get in their faces and apologize, through tears, for not treating them like the precious jewels that they are. They forgive me, now, because they are so young and faith-filled. But, if I do not learn to change, and to conquer my flesh, the day will come when I will do irreparable damage. This is my greatest fear. I pray that God will show me how to win this battle, so that I do not have to live with the pain you now do. Your hurt, and mine, can be a great teacher to me.

My life, painful and sweet, is my responsibility now. If there were some way I could release you from guilt, I gladly would. I may still hurt, I may still be weak, but I forgive you wholeheartedly. I pray that God will richly bless you in life and ministry, and give you many glorious years that will overshadow the painful past.

With all my heart.

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This isn't the first apology I've received from my gracious father. It isn't the first time I've accepted it. It is, however, the first time that both have ended up in writing. In rereading both just now, I am reminded of an agonizing truth: I am a petty fool! Forgiveness MUST happen without so much as the hope of an apology. It is not conditional! And yet, the immense pride of the flesh all but prohibits one (me) from forgiving without this vindication.

I have a favorite sermon (based on a wonderful book by the speaker). I suppose it's because it was written just for me...you know the kind that start, "Dear Sarah," and conclude, "Love, God". If you haven't heard it yet, I highly recommend it (Search "John Bevere" in "2005"). The sermon isn't named on the linked site, but it's called, "The Bait of Satan", by John Bevere.

The bait that Satan uses, according to Pastor Bevere, is offense. Pastor Bevere preaches out of the KJV, in the 24th book of Matthew:

8All these are the beginning of sorrows.

9Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake.

10And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.

11And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.

12And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

13But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.

He argues, very convincingly, that it is "offense" that causes the hardening of hearts. This is certainly true in my life.

To be offended, first you have to reserve that right. I think that we (I) should give up the right to be offended, but it's much easier said than done. With Hubby, the offense I carry is his unfaithfulness. With my dad, it is his scarring tongue. With f-i-l, it is his wounding of the child that is now my husband, and his disrespect for women, as well as for the institution of marriage.

My "reasonings" cause me to feel completely justified in the shouldering of these offenses. However, have I not committed adultery against my Lord? Have I not sharpened my tongue in the abuse of others? What gives me the right to be offended? Nothing.

"He who is forgiven much, loves much." When am I going to come face to face with the reality of what I have been forgiven. I, not Paul, am the chief of all sinners. I have no wish to wallow in this reality, but I want to accept it in a way that gives God glory. I believe that the road to this glory is forgiveness, not in my mind alone, but with my whole being. And then, when I have forgiven those with whom I have held an offense, I must work on giving up the right to be offended altogether.

I know that this must be done, but I pray that God will lead me gently down the road.

Comments

[Jennifer F.]

Wow, this is so beautiful.

...FYI, I had a really hard time reading the words of the excerpted letters because the font is so small. It might be just my screen though. :)

[Sarah]

Jen,

Thanks SO much! I hate it when I struggle to read things on my screen. Hopefully the problem is solved now!

[Jennifer F.]

Thanks! I'm working on a link so I just wanted to make sure everyone could enjoy it! :)

Also, thanks so much for your email. I'm way behind on email but will reply ASAP.

[obgyn gilbert]

Sometimes, one of the best ways to find one doctor is by getting a referral from another.